Thinking, thinking, thinking............

Having found all my old letters, and my old 5 year diary, which dates backs to 1985, and records my life to 1989, I have been utterly transported through time. It is like a time capsule. Each day a snip of my day. I suppose it only really means something to me, but there in those pages grows a young girl. 

I discovered so many things I had wiped out of my memory. Probably not on purpose, but because life is busy, and so many other more pressing things now fill the spaces of my thoughts, leaving no room for teenage antics lived a life time ago.

The girl I was then, I am still pretty much still here. Older, wiser, less starry eyed, and level headed. But the things I wanted for myself, even at 14-15, I still want or even have now, which is such a blessing.

My husband, is a good man. Sure I may grumble from time to time, and life stresses, work, money , kids, certainly play a huge role in that, but that boy I met all those years ago is still there. He earned my heart. My poor, multi-broken heart, and taught me to believe in myself, to trust, and love again.

Together we grew. We grew more and more in love, and old, and wise and fat! 

He (my wonderful hubby), use to write to me, raw pure honesty. His words still burn through me. Even now. His fears, his love, his pain, his joy. I learnt to trust him, and when I decided that I could let go and fall, knowing he will catch me, my life, my soul, my very breath was now his. This is something  he has now shared protective custody of till this very day.

I do not find it hard to love. We have been tested more than I care for, but I have been there, through the darkest hours, and the brightest sun. I can not imagine being anywhere else. I am afraid he is stuck with me.

But with these old memories, comes a lot of thoughts about my past. My friends. The strong friendships forged through my high school years, and I wonder about them all now.

I tried to look for them on face book, but I can't find them. I guess surnames have changed, and like me they may now live in other places. I still think of them. They still make me smile, and I dearly hope that they are happy, healthy, and have good love in their lives.

There was a boy I really cared for before I met my hubby. This boy and I danced very close to a meaningful relationship. We were friends. Very good friends. He would hold me, and  nibble on my ear lobes. Hold my hand, and save me a seat on the bus everyday. Everyone assumed we were a couple. Even our teachers. I was so madly crazy in love with him, but he never really felt that way about me. It's OK. I grew, I learned more about myself from this boy, and because of him, my now husband, is my husband, because I learned from my mistakes with him, and was more careful with my feelings. You see this was a very important boy in my life. This one broke my heart, shattered it.

Do you ever really forget your first love?

You see he really loved another. I think I was a stand by? I really to this day am not sure what I meant to this boy? She played with his heart for a few years. I was always there, the good mate, the friend. He would get super close, he even told me he loved me once. But the words of commitment never were uttered, and he eventually got his girl, and they married. What happened next I do not know?

I wonder if he is happy, and if they have lots of kids? Are they still together? Is he fat, bald, grey, or the same? 

I apparently shared with him my feelings about my now hubby, all those years ago. He was my friend after all. He told me that if this guy didn't snap me up, he would be a total idiot! Well I guess he wasn't, as I am still here, with him, and still very much in love with him, if not more than I was back then.

When my relationship was new, and things between us were  very much perfect as they are at age 17. Oh come on, 17,  first real proper boyfriend, a guy who actually gives back as much as he gets. Kissing, oh you remember the days when you could kiss for hours and hours.........

Well, this boy chose this time to tell me that he loved me. He was hurting badly. His heart was broken, he was lonely, and his future wife had toyed with his heart, and started dating another. But I was off the market, I was spoken for. But I will never forget that school camp, when we stayed up all night, and spoke bullshit free,about us, for the first time in 3 years. He tempted me. He asked if there might be a chance for him. For years I had longed for these words, but it was too late. 

We laughed, hugged, cried, and got kicked out of the quiet room we had found to talk privately in. It was raining, and he picked me up and carried me across the lawn to yet another empty room, where he cried, and I allowed him to rest his head on my lap, and in a motherly, comforting way, I stroked his hair, and let him cry, until he fell asleep. It was my goodbye. I am not ashamed to say that silent tears fell down my cheeks too.  

I don't remember anything more from that night on. About him I mean. My life was blossoming. I was very honest with my new boyfriend, and about my night with the only other serious man in my life. It almost ended us. He was so hurt, so torn, so afraid of loosing me. Thankfully he wrote me a letter, and I was able to tell him without a shadow of a doubt that he was the one I chose, and he is still my choice. I meant it, I'm still here aren't I?

I did question it. For just a brief moment. What if? It would have been a huge mistake, he would have only broken my heart again. It was his pattern. He loved her. That is why. You can't help who you fall in love with, and I am happy that he got his girl in the end. I hope he got his happy ever after too. We all deserve that.

I am glad of my loyalty, and of my moral code. I promised my new man my heart, and he had done nothing but love me, why trust someone who had promised happy days before, only to strip them away whenever someone else drifted by?

I don't hate him at all. I never hated him. I still have our photos, cards, notes, and I think fondly of our friendship. I just wonder. He has just vanished off the planet. I had a dream about my old friends, and I can't shake this feeling that he is dead. 

A few years ago I tracked down my best friend from high school. Without her friendship in those years I would never have gotten through. I still have all her letters too. Re-reading some of those really made me laugh. She was very special to me. She married this boys brother. You see they were twins. We had planned to be friends forever, and have double weddings! We were 15 years old! Young girls can dream can't they? 

She is still married, and has 3 lovely children like me.  But after a few letters, we moved, and she moved, and she isn't on face book. It wasn't around then, nor was the common usage of mobile phones and text messages. I have since tracked down her eldest daughter and we made brief contact through her, but her life is very busy, and so is mine, but I think of her often. I remember her birthday each year, (16th Jan), and I wish her a happy birthday, and hope she is enjoying her family. I also remember the twins too, (29th Apr), I think of them on their birthdays as well. Not long, just a moment. But I do. Silly really, I guess. But I never forget the people I have cared about.

She told me of our other friends, the ones she still sees, and they have all married, and have all had 3 kids. Which is really funny. I was so happy to hear the news, and at peace knowing that they are all doing fine. But she never mentioned him. Not once, not an hint, a throw away comment, nothing. They are twins, brothers??? Odd. I think it is. He is the one person from that time I want to know about. But nothing, completely skipped over the question about how is he?

She always looked out for me, when we were growing up. We chatted for hours on the phone about boys, crushes, homework, school, family, everything. We told each other everything. She knew, as did her man,(well they were twins, shared a room, he knew his brother), all about us, especially my feelings on the whole matter. It was mostly them convincing me to not give up. "He likes you, he is shy, we don't understand him either, he really does like you, I think he is going to ask you this week!"

Well he did, kind of, once before that camp night. He rang me and asked me to be his date at a mutual friends 16th. I was on cloud nine. At the party he forgot what he had rang me about a few days before, and pretty much avoided me the whole night. My diary states that my best friend  told him off, but I really don't remember. I rose above though, according to my diary, and I do have good memories of laughing and having fun with my girlfriends at this party. But I had utterly forgotten the phone call and the supposed date! Maybe it was all too painful at the time? But it was the start of the end of my door mat girl waiting routine. As hard as it was to move on, I did, even had a few more crushes happen, but I always stayed his friend. I never stopped caring.

Anyway, I just can't help shake this feeling that something isn't right. It is eating away at me.

Silly maybe, I do not wish to make contact, but  it would be nice to know that he is happy, and still married to his girl, how his life turned out, and is he as happy as me. Is he ALIVE?  

I really hope this is all just stirred up memories from re-reading my letters and diary. It was just a dream after all, just a dream. I hope and pray they are all happy. I will never forget them. Ever.

We were after all the TFM girls ~ I wont explain, but if she ever reads my blog she will understand. She was my best friend, and I loved her to bits.

Now I must wake my man so he can get ready to take our baby son to his appointment in the city. I will be here sorting washing, and dishes, and cooking.  Then when he returns with both our boys from school, it is off to work for me. Late night tonight. No rest for the wicked!  

After that, I will come home and wrap my arms around the man who took my heart and kept it for the last 26 years. I don't mind, I like that he has it.

Now off the computer and do some work!

Hope your day is treating you well.

I shall try an put all these thoughts back in my box. It's just the fact that I don't know. I just never saw him again, once school ended. Never. My curiosity is peaking. Just wish I knew how he is.