Tuesday, 22 July 2014
I set myself a challenge to write 10 letters to myself , so I have met my goal.
It has so far been a positive experience, and one I'd encourage anyone to take. I may do more? Don't know.....????
I know why I have hurt myself so much. I understand the reasons behind it. I think now after reading some of the other women's story's with PCOS, I can see it even more clearly now.
I am in a good place at the moment.
Yes my mum did have her faults, but she did the best she could, not the best, but her best. I survived, and am still here. I didn't turn into an alcoholic, or drug addict. But I did/do use my food as comfort.
The padding around my middle isn't helped by PCOS, but it has definitely became what it is by my behaviour and attitudes towards food.
I made myself unattractive, so that men would not want to fuck me. But then I hated myself when I lost control of me, and I couldn't lose the Weight again. Which lead to more depression, and more comfort eating and round and round we go.
Hurting my back was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.
I knew I had to change something, or I would just be a burden to my family, and I never wish to be that.
Whether it's my age, or just that I am more comfortable with who I am now, life is better.
Sure I have days when I completely melt down. I believe that every one is guilty of that, not just women with PCOS, but humans in general. It's life. Shit happens.
But if you look out from yourself, and out at the world you often see that what you think is bad, is no way as bad as that person, or that person right now.
This perspective has been so beneficial to my personal acceptance, and also gratitude for what I have right now.
So if there is one thing that I can share with others it is that.
We all need each other.
Every one is a lesson.
Every day is a blessing, especially if you are not ill, have those you love safe and food on the table. So many others right now have nothing. Imagine what I must look like to them?
So we may not be perfect. But we have so much to be grateful for everyday.
That is what makes me feel good. That is why I can smile so easily, and mean it.
Life is short. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. We have now, just now, this moment.
If I was going to be remembered, I like to be remembered for a woman who cared. Who could be nothing and everything at the same time. Some one not scared to be who she is, and filled with enough love to share. Perfect in her in perfections , and beautiful under her own skin.
Oh my dear Criss,
I want to open your eyes up to all the different possibilities of you. I want you to see just how important you are , and that just maybe along the way someone, or a few someone's, may have instilled in you some negative seeds that go not apply any more.....
OKAY....... What exactly are you talking about?
List 5 things you where told when you were growing up that you still repeat to yourself in your head.....
1. You are stupid
2. You are ugly
3. That boy wouldn't want a girl like you
4. You can't
5. You wont about to anything, give up
Now look at that list and tell me which ones are still true today?
Ummm, none really, maybe 2???
So you still see yourself as ugly?
Yes, sometimes I do.
Only sometimes? When do you feel beautiful?
When I forget about how I look. When I stare into my husbands eyes. When someone's tells me, or throws a nice compliment my way.
So others don't see you as ugly in general?
No, I guess not......I just wish I was thin, the top half is okay , but the waist down is really shitty.
But when you were younger, your body didn't look like that? It was thin. It was shapely, it was...and I have seen the photos, pretty hot. But you thought you were ugly even then right?
Yes! What was I thinking? I would love to look like that again.
I want you to now to list 5 things you always wanted and how have....
1. Someone who would love me no matter what
2. To be a mother
3. To have a happy family
4. To help people
5. To just be liked for who I am and not what I look like.
Judging from your list you have pretty much nailed it.
You have a husband who is faithful, loves you, needs you, and supports you. Even now, in this middled aged body, and fatty bits.....he still looks at you with that same smile.
You have brought into the world 3 amazing children. Each different, each with their own personalities, and together with your hubby, raised them , taught them, and kept them safe.
For the most part, your family is HAPPY! Everyone has there ups and downs, that is not what I am saying here.....you guys LOVE EACH OTHER, and you have provided your family with a safe loving home.
You help people all the time. It is so natural to you, you can't even see you self doing it.
At work, people flock to you for a laugh, a chat, advice.....same on line....you are almost a kind of agony aunt.
YOU CARE.......YOU EMPATHISE.......YOU MATTER TO OTHERS........
Do you think these people care that you are no longer a size 10? They don't give a rats......
They come because you open your heart. You embrace them with a warm hug. You are a safe place.
You make a difference. People are aware when your not there......They miss you.
I guess, I mean I know....I need them too. Growing up I was rejected a lot. My mother wouldn't hug me. She once told a teacher that if he thought I was smart he was a bigger ass then I was. I had topped my maths class and was heading up to the next level. It was the bottom level I was in mind you, but I worked so hard and got to a point where I started getting A's, and still she thought I was an idiot.
Yet your not, clearly, so why do you call yourself dumb, and shy away from things because you think you are not smart enough?
You're not dumb.....you may not have a degree....but that hardly makes you stupid. I know many people with degrees that I can safely call stupid. A degree doesn't make you smart....
Listen, you are doing everything you can to heal the past, and heal your body. You have been a hurt, scared little girl and that really sucks, and it really wasn't fair. But look in the mirror today, and look at what you have become.
You are a wife, a mother, a lover, a friend, a safe haven. You are learning each day. You can laugh, cry, sing...and you are doing OK.
So you don't have a house, huge bank account......you have something money can't buy. YOU HAVE LOVE.
So stop beating yourself up because you ate chocolate, and you have been really enjoying it. It's better than being bombed in GAZA! Do you think those women are worrying about how well they look in their jeans? Don't think so....... So look at what is important.
Yes , you are right..... I have so much to be happy for, and I am happy. I and very proud of who I am , and I don't really wish to change me much. Yes I do want to look better, and maybe one day I will? The important thing is that I don't give up on me. I don't give up, because I wouldn't give up on my kids, or my hubby, so why would I give up on me?
Each stretch mark is a reminder that I gave life..... Each line in my face is proof that I have lived, laughed, cried, and loved. I am no longer 20 years old, so why do I compare myself to them? I am not a sports car, but a reliable sedan, with plenty of room in the back!
I went for a walk today, not to exercise, but just to feel the sun on my face. It was heaven.
I have learnt so much. I have grown so much. Especially in this last year. How simple is it to gain joy from a ray of sunshine in the middle of a cold winter? I wonder how many others have stopped today and just soaked in a little warmth?
So I guess what you are telling me is when everything gets stressful, I must not throw out the window everything and just revert to a bunch of old beliefs, that were never really true anyway...........
You will have bad days....that is normal.....you will have things to fret over, stress over, that is also very normal.....but it is just a bad day, or even a few bad days, not a bad life.....keep the balance......and never forget that you matter.
YOU MATTER A LOT.
Saturday, 12 July 2014
Saturday night is our hang out night. I really know that staying awake for over 20 hours is not good for me...but I really want to hang out and have our time too. All this is weighing up, what I need to be doing, what I am doing, and what I should be doing is acting like a traffic jam in my head.
SO STOP CRISS!
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO....