I must say you are handling what life is throwing at you much better these days. It is OK to get down, and worry. You are human, and it is normal. What I adore about you is that now, you are able to drop that bucket...you know the bucket of shit everyone carries with them.....we all have one......but occasionally people like to give their buckets to you......which is great for them...but not for you who have now more buckets than you can handle.
You decided to make soup, one because it is cold here at night, and two because your hot water system broke down yesterday and you are still waiting on repairs.......which meant that you had to have a wash in the bath with a bowl, jug, and kettle........not fun on a cold morning.
Yet you smiled..........you where grateful for the warmth, ever so short, of the hot water running down your body. You where grateful to your loving husband, who stayed awake this morning so that he could help you wash your hair, and have the closest thing to a "Normal Shower" that you could have under the circumstances. You didn't stand there grumbling, and complaining that it was too cold, and this sucks, and why me...blah.... blah..... blah........ You smiled.
Once dressed and hair dried, you fully took a moment to enjoy the sensation of being clean. Not that you where dirty, it had only been 24 hours without out hot water....but it felt good didn't it. You enjoyed it. You thanked the world that you were rich enough to have a kettle that could heat water, and a caring person to assist you by pouring that same water over you so you could be clean.....Can you see how far you have come?
Last night you were feeling down, just worrying about things you can't change, and of people you can't help as you would like to. Not that they would listen. It is one of those things when you can see someone is heading down the wrong road, but you can't reach them and get them to turn around. If you did they would laugh at you and tell you that you are wrong, and have no idea what you are talking about.....but you can see ahead, and you know that it is no good, but you have to let go, and pray that they soon work it out for themselves. Such is the joy of parenthood. You can't always protect your kids from themselves.
What I admire is that despite your love and concern for your young adult daughter, you didn't suffocate her with motherly advice and love, and criticisms, and negative words, that would only serve to push her away, not closer to you. That took a lot of self control......where did you master that?
I know what you would have liked to have done.....that boyfriend is not a good boy, he isn't treating her right, but she can't see that, she thinks she is in 'LOVE', all you see is a wanker using your daughter like a cheap whore. But you have changed the way you deal with things, regarding her......when she shares something you hold your composure, and just make note. Maybe say, wow how did you feel about that? That was a bit yuck, did it bother you? When he does that, what do you do? When do you have any private time to talk and really get to know each other.....shame he can't make more time for you now?
What you are doing is making her think about it herself. She does, and you can see that it bothers her, but she is determined....she pushes it down, or makes up excuses, and makes herself believe it is all OK. She does such a good job of that you sometimes believe her.....
Point is you are letting her go.....you know you will be right here if and when she comes back to her senses and feels she is worth much more than that......it isn't how you raised her.....she has grown up poor, but in a loving home. She has seen you go through very hard times, and come out stronger than before. She can see what LOVE IS, she can see you and what you have with her father. It is frustrating to know that she isn't looking for that herself. But this is her life lessons to learn....not yours......
But today you have put that aside, and decided, you can not fix that, or the hot water..... but you can control yourself...... and what do you do when you feel out of control?
Start cooking............. at least it is not stuffing your face with chocolate, or bread.....or cake!
You haven't resorted to hurting yourself with food...... Instead you started making food to heal the soul as well as the mind and body.....
I am proud of you. Well done.
In this pot is...onions, garlic, leek,onion chives, carrot,sweet potatoes,celery, yellow spilt peas, green spilt peas, and red lentils, 4 bean mix......salt, pepper, curry powder, cumin powder, turmeric powder, garlic salt, filtered water, and 2 veggie stock cubes. The kitchen is starting to smell amazing, and I can't wait to watch your family enjoy it as much as you will.
Keep smiling. You are an amazingly smart, loving woman. I hope that water system is all fixed by tonight.