Monday, 23 June 2014

I am beautiful ...You are beautiful......#9

I am going through some stressful home issues at the moment. Just life, bills, and lack of money. It will sort it's self, but everything happens at once and of course I solve it with food. But I am aware of what I am doing so I am a step ahead this time. I made some really nice veggie green soup. Loads of green veggies, and chick peas to thicken it up. It felt good to reward myself this way. I just have to get out of this depressed mood. My insecurities have peaked and I am feeling scared, not in control, and vulnerable.

Today I removed myself from everyone. I just went to my room and got into bed and closed my eyes. I needed to step out, re-charge, and just give myself an hour to breathe. I cried, and it was so cleansing. It actually made me feel like I had removed something heavy off my body.

So the past few weeks I have stepped back into old programmed unsafe comfort eating patterns, but today I feel back on track. 

Trust is such a big thing. I guess this steams from my past??

I still believe I am moving forward, even with a small step backwards........I may never be a size 10. I would be over the moon to get to a size 16. But for now I am going to be happy with my healthier size 18. It use to be a 20-22, so I have made some progress. 

Just remember we are all beautiful in our own way. 



Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly it's hard to breathe.
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed.

I am beautiful no matter what they say.
Words can't bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way.
Yes, words can't bring me down... Oh no.
So don't you bring me down today.

To all your friends you're delirious,
So consumed in all your doom.
Trying hard to fill the emptiness.
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone.
is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down....oh no
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh, no
So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(the sun will always, always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, no, no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh, no
So don't you bring me down today

Oh, yeah, don't you bring me down today, yeah, ooh
Don't you bring me down ooh... today

Saturday, 21 June 2014

NOT A HAPPY GIRL...........

How can you ruin my weekend off............?

1) Get a phone call an hour before my alarm is due to go off and wake both hubby and I up. (Was already loosing my sleep in cause of workmen coming to the house early morning. EARLY)

2) Have the workman show up an hour EARLY! Thank goodness for the phone call. But still catching me getting out of the shower! FUCK!

3) Spend the day cooking and cleaning so that SUNDAY I can SLEEP IN, and DO NOTHING. Only the ironing, but mostly nothing but sleep in and chill.

4) Try and have a nap so that I can have a DATE night with my man, been looking forward to it for days, because I am already tired, cause I didn't get enough sleep last night, because I stayed up to hand out with HUBBY, so that I will not fall asleep, and be able to keep up with my man in his hours. I am talking getting to bed around 3 am ish.

5) Leave instructions with your child to not let you sleep past 6.30 pm. I just want a nap for an hour.

6) Have younger child wake me at 6 pm, thinking it is 6.30 then bounce a tennis ball down the hall till I yell at him to STOP you are trying to NAP!

7) Have child with instructions to wake you at 6.30 pm wake you at 7 pm, and tell you the workman who was here today called, and will be back at 8AM in the morning! (Why? We don't know, he was done today) Why 8 AM Sunday FUCKING MORNING??..... Because that is when said CHILD TOLD HIM I WOULD BE UP AND AWAKE! 

8) Have no way to call him back as I don't have his number. Tried my agents after-hours number and she is away on leave and as a message telling me to contact the office which does not open till MONDAY MORNING.

To say that he got the telling off of a life time is putting it mildly.
1) Because he should not be answering the phone.
2) He should come and get me.

I know he was trying to be helpful, but I can do without that. Oh and what mindset does a workman have making arrangements with an little boy??? FOR FUCK SAKE.

Then I see same CHILD decided that my LASAGNE which I spent making from scratch since the early hours of this morning,  for our lunch and dinner......2 trays.........WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE FOR BOTH MEALS.


So late tonight when I am hanging out with my man, late cause he is at work, I will have in the back of my mind that I have to be up at 7 AM so that I can be AWAKE and DRESSED for a bloody workman, instead of having a relaxed CHILD FREE, ADULT NIGHT with my HUSBAND. 

Yeah not exactly ROMANCE inducing. Bad enough that he gets home so bloody late, bad enough SATURDAY night is our ONLY FREE NIGHT of the week, cause child one stays at her boyfriends house and I put the boys in bed so that they are peacefully sleeping, IT IS THE CLOSEST thing to CHILD FREE as we can GET.

Tonight was for a nice meal, movie, sweet kisses, and HOT SEX.

Now I will have a pissed off husband, and a stressed out me, as I have no idea WHY he is coming, he fixed what he could fix, and told me he could fix the other thing as it will need replacing and he would call the agent MONDAY. 

What I feel like doing to my son's HEAD!

We will not have this opportunity for another 2 weeks...and by then I probably will have my period. So yes I am NOT HAPPY.


Tuesday, 17 June 2014


I was bored tonight and I found myself looking at old adverts from the 1900's through to the 1960's and they range from funny to the extremely scary.......

Take a look.........................

Words utterly defy me on this one..................

Looks extremely uncomfortable, I bet she enjoyed ripping this one off at the end of the day.............

Cure a sore throat with smoking???????? Oh that's why they smoke!

OKAY...........just weird.....................

What...what.....what is she reading...........we all want to know?????

Yes I agree...........a man's hands should be clean with short fingernails if he is planning to touch me anywhere...................

1940's version of 50 shades of Grey perhaps????

Yes babies need soft sugar drinks before they get teeth to rot..... WHOLESOME!

Just 'WHAT THE FUCK' is this ad about??????????? (See, so bad I had to spell out the words and not just use WTF!)


I guess this was back when cocaine was used in coke.........ZING!

Now this gem can start a few stories.............................

Yes we always encourage the children to drink the cats milk...............

This underwear makes me glad I am living here today..........looks so uncomfortable......... 


Hands up.....who hasn't stood by the fridge like this on a romantic date night?

YEAH.................what am I doing? 

Oh deep breaths ladies................................Oh MY!

One must always be semi naked while playing her instrument, then enjoy a cigarette................

Wow...........................................................can'y buy bathing suits at those prices any more!

YES MEN.........smoking will make your dick this BIG!


Yes all the good mums feed there kids SUGAR!


Keep happy peeps.................

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Things that make me see RED..........

I saw this on face book tonight and it really pissed me off......

Below you will see a chart made for hubby, clearly to encourage him to help around the house and with the kids.........

A BLOODY a little KID CHART............

Take a close look!


BJ for vomit clean up! Oh go fuck yourself. 

Does Mummy get a 'Girl BJ' for doing everything else for the' Rug Rats' they made, getting up at night, shopping, doctor runs....reading....homework....projects....lunch boxes...notes signed.....clothes washed....notes dates set....birthday's planned....bedtime stories read......

You are share the load 50/50...and sex should never be a should be mutually fun, and pleasurable, and bloody FAIR! IF YOU CUM GENTLEMEN....SHE BETTER CUM TOO! 

If your 'Man' can't 'Man Up' and share the deal, then walk out and find a real one.

End of Rant...................

Letter # 8 and other things.....

Hey Girl,

I know sometimes you feel like you are just faking it through life. Like you don't have a clue, and you pop on a face and hope that no one discovers that behind it you are just as clueless as the rest.

Just trust your gut, follow it's path and for the most part it carries you through. Sometimes you fall smack on your face, and you have to get up, re-think and move forward.

You have so many faces....mummy face.....friend face.....wife face......lover face.....just Criss's all you...they are all what makes you,YOU. 

I think we all do that in life. You are not alone there. So why do you fret so much? You get spooked and hide like a wild little animal, and come back out when you think it's safe again? You don't have to hide.

Stressful things happen to everyone. Shit happens. We all unfortunately have to ride the shit train through life.

This morning I caught you telling your landlord you were sorry the roof was leaking! WHAT! Is this some residual catholic thing going on here? Some kind of repressed mother issue of not being good enough. Why are you sorry for something you had no control over, no part in creating, no fault in at all?
You live in an old house with prior history of leaking roof, so where exactly is this guilt, this 'sorry' coming from?  

"Sorry Mr Landlord...please don't sell the house......I don't want to move...please don't throw us won't happen again!"

You are so bloody insecure...."Don't hate me, don't stop loving me...stay with me"...............

Can you hear your inner thoughts? I can hear them.

When are you going to trust people, to trust that they are not going to screw you over...that maybe there words are honest and true???

You frustrate the crap out me!

So you went to see your doctor and he said basically that you're fat and you are fat cause you eat too much.....

You know that is not now how bloody hard you have been changing your last night you ate 1/2 a cherry ripe.....big deal......when was the last time you ate a chocolate bar????? EXACTLY! The reason you ate it was? Your landlord gave you short notice and you freaked out and jumped to all the wrong conclusions.

Yes all the conclusions are feared out of past experience, and yes having your hubby be just as stressed as you didn't count on him to be the positive one, but he can't always be that for you just as you can't always be smiling and happy for is normal stress....nothing a good lotto win wouldn't sort out...but you don't play that much so your chances of that happening are not good I'm afraid.

So just take a step back and think about what you are doing to yourself. This punishing act with food, this comfort reaching, this padding yourself up for the is not healthy my love.

Your husband isn't planning on leaving you because you got fat. He out of everyone can see how much you have worked at getting on top of this condition you have, PCOS. You didn't catch it on purpose. It is just unfortunate your body works that way. Sucks really...cause the way you eat, and take care of yourself you should be a hot yummy mummy.

So I want you to think about what is really blocking you? It is not the sugar...that is gone almost completely... it is not the have that under is not the are sticking to the good food list for it has to be something else?????

From where I am standing STRESS is your number 1 fan. So what are we going to do about that???

Now go and enjoy your chick pea, spinach, red pepper, with spring onions and avocado egg lunch and relax for the rest of the day...well until 3 pm when the school pick up, shopping, dinner, and drama chaos events starts.....

You have 2 hours.....RELAX.....RE-CHARGE.....UNWIND....CHILL.....and just take a bloody break!

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Sometimes you have to just giggle!

I honestly do think that "Chronic Stress" has played a huge role in my weight gain, and lack of weight loss, among other things........... I think this is going to be my biggest demon..........

I am a worrier........ I worry......... I am actually an expert worrier......... I am also a fixer..............I like to fix and help others....I always want to see my family happy......... I am working on that...............not that I mean I want them to be unhappy, or that I don't care....cause I do....but just that it is OK for them to have an unhappy day, and that I do not have the sole responsibility to change that...... 

So I can thank myself for worrying too much, and stressing too much and allowing myself to become run down, and catching a wonderful cold! 


So for now leave all that WORRY at the door...have a lovely cup of whatever tickles your fancy, and watch something that makes you giggle.....

Have a happy week. 

Monday, 2 June 2014

letter #7

Dear Criss,

I know you have been struggling a little lately. I can see that you are second guessing, questioning, and becoming a little frustrated with the lack of weight loss. I know how hard you have been trying. You have been eating well, and cutting out bread, pasta, rice, and sugar. They are huge changes. So you have the odd squares of dark chocolate.....well you better go prostrate yourself naked and confess your sins! It is not a crime you know!

Something has been tossing around in your head? Something someone has really made you think hasn't it?

"There are the stress hormones, the setting for 'got to save this fat for the lean times ahead', the fat acts like a safe deposit box, and so much more."

Could you be doing this to yourself? Could your insecurities about the future, 

about money, about health, and health care, and your job, and your hubby's

job, and how many more years you both will be able to hang in there? 

I know you stress about moving. Soon the lease will be up, and this time of 

year brings that silent terror of the unknown. Money since last years back 

injury's as left a huge hole in the credit card, and you are still chasing the

tail of this bunny. It scares you to be in debt, it scares you to think of 

moving. I know it does. I can see it sat there just under the surface.

Sure you smile, and laugh, and go to work like all is well. But you know 

that you can't replace the washing machine, or get the computer fixed,

or update the list of things that are piling up, because these are luxuries.

You cross your fingers and hope that nothing else goes wrong. That you get 

another 12 months on the lease, and time to put things right. Time, such

a precious gift. 

I want you to practice what you preach my sweet. TRUST. Trust in you. Trust 

in your body, in your job, in your capacity to heal. To be strong, to cope.

Worrying about it now is not going to help anyone, least of all you... in 

fact it will only do you harm. STRESS.

So the past 2 weeks have been stressful.

Hot water went, you spent 3 days with no hot water.

The roof started leaking, so now that has to be sorted.

The toilet button sticks, so you have to keep checking to make sure that the

kids have flushed right so the water isn't running constantly.

All these things to tell the agent, during house inspection. In the back of

your head your head you are telling yourself the landlord is going to freak.

Well he might? But that is his problem. Did he not fix the water? You live

in an old house. A very old house. Things like this happen. You didn't do

this on purpose. He is not going to blame you for the rain! OK he might

decide to sell up, cut his losses. But we don't know that. You have been living

here for 8 years now. It is the longest time spent in a home in your whole

married life. I understand how you feel nervous, past experience has 

taught you. But the point I am making is that you can not know that this

will happen this time.

Is the fat there because you need that protective buffer? Is it there because

your body has issues and functions abnormally? Is it there because of

GM Wheat products you consumed before you knew what it was? PCOS?

Too much chocolate? A bad back? A fear of being raped if you look to nice?

A fear of the future, of war, of stupid government policies that favour only the

rich. Of a major earth disaster like Yellow Stone blowing up and destroying 

the world as we know it forever........

Is your daughter dating the right boy? Will your sons be OK? Will they grow

up happy, healthy, even if they couldn't own a puppy?

I know all this is in that head of yours. 


Today you are OK. (Well you have a cold....but apart from are OK)

Your Children are all safe. They are happy, normal kids. Right now sleeping,

safe and warm in their beds. You kissed them goodnight. There world is 

good, because they TRUST their parents to provide for them.........

.............and you do............................YES?

Have they ever gone hungry?

Have they ever been homeless?

Have they ever not gone on an excursion?

Can you see where I am going here?

Your husband loves you.

Your kids love you.

You are enough just the way you are.

Today you are OK. Yesterday you were OK. Tomorrow no one knows, so

why worry about it now? 

Stress will make you FAT. It will make you SICK. It will break your face out

with zits. It will lower your immunity and bang you have a bad cold.

You can't control what hasn't happened, and you WILL find a way to cope

with things when they do, because you always do!

SO PLEASE TRUST YOURSELF. Give yourself some slack. Enjoy the little 

moments of each day. You are lucky my friend.

There are mothers who are crying right now at the loss of their children...

widows morning for their husbands....

You are safe. You are Loved. You are Enough. You are OK. And you are FAT,

but you are a darn more healthy than you have been in the last 5 years, and

not as fat as you where in January!

So please think on that. Please trust, please let go of the what ifs and fear.

Just be happy. Keep learning. Keep trying new foods. Stop judging the cover

of the book, for under the covers and between the pages lies a beautiful,

loving person, with much to give, and to share, and a wonderful story to tell.

You are important in this world. You matter. So please keep taking good care

of yourself.

HUGS xxxx