Hey Girl,
I know sometimes you feel like you are just faking it through life. Like you don't have a clue, and you pop on a face and hope that no one discovers that behind it you are just as clueless as the rest.
Just trust your gut, follow it's path and for the most part it carries you through. Sometimes you fall smack on your face, and you have to get up, re-think and move forward.
You have so many faces....mummy face....work face.....friend face.....wife face......lover face.....just Criss face.......it's all you...they are all what makes you,YOU.
I think we all do that in life. You are not alone there. So why do you fret so much? You get spooked and hide like a wild little animal, and come back out when you think it's safe again? You don't have to hide.
Stressful things happen to everyone. Shit happens. We all unfortunately have to ride the shit train through life.
This morning I caught you telling your landlord you were sorry the roof was leaking! WHAT! Is this some residual catholic thing going on here? Some kind of repressed mother issue of not being good enough. Why are you sorry for something you had no control over, no part in creating, no fault in at all?
You live in an old house with prior history of leaking roof, so where exactly is this guilt, this 'sorry' coming from?
"Sorry Mr Landlord...please don't sell the house......I don't want to move...please don't throw us out......PLEASE....PLEASE.....it won't happen again!"
You are so bloody insecure...."Don't hate me, don't stop loving me...stay with me....love me"...............
Can you hear your inner thoughts? I can hear them.
When are you going to trust people, to trust that they are not going to screw you over...that maybe there words are honest and true???
You frustrate the crap out me!
So you went to see your doctor and he said basically that you're fat and you are fat cause you eat too much.....
You know that is not true...you now how bloody hard you have been changing your ways......so last night you ate 1/2 a cherry ripe.....big deal......when was the last time you ate a chocolate bar????? EXACTLY! The reason you ate it was? Your landlord gave you short notice and you freaked out and jumped to all the wrong conclusions.
Yes all the conclusions are feared out of past experience, and yes having your hubby be just as stressed as you didn't help.....you count on him to be the positive one, but he can't always be that for you just as you can't always be smiling and happy for him.....it is normal stress....nothing a good lotto win wouldn't sort out...but you don't play that much so your chances of that happening are not good I'm afraid.
So just take a step back and think about what you are doing to yourself. This punishing act with food, this comfort reaching, this padding yourself up for the fall....it is not healthy my love.
Your husband isn't planning on leaving you because you got fat. He out of everyone can see how much you have worked at getting on top of this condition you have, PCOS. You didn't catch it on purpose. It is just unfortunate your body works that way. Sucks really...cause the way you eat, and take care of yourself you should be a hot yummy mummy.
So I want you to think about what is really blocking you? It is not the sugar...that is gone almost completely... it is not the calories....you have that under control.....it is not the food....you are sticking to the good food list for PCOS......so it has to be something else?????
From where I am standing STRESS is your number 1 fan. So what are we going to do about that???
Now go and enjoy your chick pea, spinach, red pepper, with spring onions and avocado egg lunch and relax for the rest of the day...well until 3 pm when the school pick up, shopping, dinner, and drama chaos events starts.....
You have 2 hours.....RELAX.....RE-CHARGE.....UNWIND....CHILL.....and just take a bloody break!
You apologized to the landlord? I don't think I've ever been apologetic to a landlord. Overtly hostile, yes, but not apologetic.
ReplyDeleteI had to look up what PCOS is, and my heart goes out to you. That sounds horrible. All the best to you in your struggle with it.
Thank you Pickleope Von Pickleope. It is a rotten trick of nature. Thankfully I don't suffer the extreme symptoms, but cramps and inflammation, lack of periods and unwanted hair, and definitely the weight. I guess I control it via my diet. But it does account for my moods and high sex drive, I am like a man that way, too much testosterone. Lol
DeleteI did say sorry, yo my landlord, like a bloody ning nong.
Sometimes I can be so switched on, and together and people are coming to me for advice, help you name it, and it comes so naturally, and easy, but not if I need to be that person for myself! Go figure?
The letter writing was a suggestion/challenge exercise, and I have been asked if I would allow them to be published in a PCOS Book. So I am excited about the new venture and hope that other women suffering can feel that they are not alone in this. I just wish I knew this stuff years ago. I may not have ever reached 100kgs + on the scales. Back under that now, but I really want to get down to the 65kg mark. Long way to go.
Most people don't know about this illness, and just think of us as lazy and fat, just like the GP I saw. It gets me down sometimes.
But I try and stay upbeat as much as I can. Mostly do just fine. Only when I am under heavy stress do I get all, silly and emotional and snappy, and just turn into a new mad person I don't even know.
I am battling my inner demons, the inner child, the hurt teenager within, and until I sort her out, I will be trapped in this cage of fat I helped make for myself.
Again rambling, blah blah.
Thank you for your support. It means a lot.
Hey lovely lady, you are beautiful, in so many ways. You are an awesome mother, and a loved wife.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are doing the best that you can.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You are special. Never forget that and certainly stop apologizing for a leaky roof (unless you have been up there dancing on the roof tiles)