I am feeling more like myself today. I think the lack of sleep, and extra tension combo, wasn't the ideal place for me to be.
But after my purge yesterday, (which in fact did already make me feel a whole lot better), I enlisted my boys and got my tidy on.
Nothing makes me feel more relaxed than being able to have some order around me.
With the mess sorted, and the kitchen sink clean, we all decided that a quick stir-fry for dinner was the way to go, and so my boys and I cooked up a real yummy treat. So good in fact that all three of us cleaned our bowls. Then we settled down and watched "How to train your Dragon". Cuddles from my baby boy, and lots of random kisses on the cheek, and "I love you mum" thrown in, just melted the ice witch that was starting to rent space in my body.
With the boys now safely tucked up in bed, and Hubby home from work, my mood was greatly improved. That is the good thing about us. We can have a spit, and we can also just let the small stuff go. We never really have had a real fight. Heated debates I call them, but ever swearing yelling, throwing things at each other storming out kind of tiffs that some people have. My parents would have real hot tempers, and my dad would get so mad he'd always throw something. Hubby has never behaved that way.
So snuggled down after he ate his stir-fry, (without a grumble, as he really doesn't like veggies, and we put loads in), and he chatted about what happened at work, and life was again Zen.
We watch some telly, and once again one of our chocolate bunny's, the ones I bought for Easter morning, the ones I have replaced already once, had an unfortunate accident. Poor Bunny. Hubby and I had no choice but to eat him up and remove all evidence of his sudden departure from this world.
Feeling really good, and safe and loved, and most of all APPRECIATED, I went to sleep and slept soundly till my bladder could no longer wait and forced me out of bed. I did go back, but eventually my boys woke up, and I could hear them playing, (Loudly) as only child 3 has two volume settings, On or Off! but it was OK, as I had my sleep in, it was 9:30 am after all, so I got up and left my sleeping Hubby to enjoy the whole bed.
At the moment I feel like this guy, and I may just take a leaf from his book today. I know I can't really lay back and do nothing all day........we are out of cat food, and a few little things, and there is always my washing, and tonight the ironing of the work shirts, but that is just life, and I don't mind doing the little things, as long as they appreciate the little things.
But before I get into all that I am going to colour my hair, and do a few little things for me.
Enjoy your weekend, and don't sweat the small stuff.
Uhmmmm let's see... Could it be that I have been burning the candle at both ends??
Could it be that the past 48 hours have been full of epic events and stressful tasks, plus illness? (Hubby was off yesterday resulting in me having to do all his share of the load, it's what we do. No biggy)
Maybe it's the broken sleep I get every night? Maybe it was the 5 am start today? Possibly the constant questions thrown at me when I try and catch 40 winks in the afternoon so I don't burn out completely?? Maybe it's that fact that I cop all these accusations of why, WHY, WHY....instead of THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU FOR IT! Maybe I don't want to wash up 4 dirty chocolate milk glasses that no one has even bothered to soak, or wipe the bench down, put the dishes away, and make sure the shopping is done, the bills are paid, that there is petrol in the car! MAYBE I JUST NEED A BLOODY NAP!
I am not sick, I am not dying, I am not angry at the world. But don't respect my space, my home, and not balance that with some praise, a hug, something that assures me it was appreciated, then don't get annoyed at my sudden dark mood, and bitch factor 7! I must be getting my period soon as I am not coping with stupid behaviour at all.
I don't ask for the earth, or for diamonds, shoes, clothes, or holidays. I don't need all that stuff. I just need LOVE. To feel it. See it. I need to kids to do what they say they are going to do. For my teenager to remember to THANK her mother when mum has bailed her out of a jam. LET ME REST. I need only a little bit, but if you can't allow me this I will utterly explode! Can you tell that I tried to nap today , after having a late night and a 5 am start for work? Can you tell it didn't go well? Can you tell that maybe I spat in anger, when my bad mood was not tolerated? Can you tell that I did not appreciate the third degree as to why I need to nanna nap so much these days? Can you tell that I haven't had sex in a while?
There vent over................... ALL I NEED from my wonderful caring husband is a huge hug, and the feeling that he actually appreciates all that I do! I know he does, but when I am over tried, I don't cope too well with extra stress.
Feeling much better now. Thank you for listening. ^_^ Oh and just to update you all on the car ~ We got bought the car, but we can't have one for 4 weeks as we had sold out here in Australia. So it must come from Japan. So we are paying off a car we don't actually have at the moment. It was all a bit anti-climatic! lol
Sorry I have been away, so much as been going on, and I didn't really want to harp on with all of it on here. Let's just say offers where made, and lovely gestures with hidden agendas discovered, and this Miss had to put on her big girl pants and stand up and sort things out for all concerned, all by herself!
The whole thing has left me feeling very tired and stressed, all mixed in with excitement and fear, and well just a rainbow of everything.
I have had to let go, to trust in myself, in my family, and just take a leap, and it is because I deserve this.
I have gone out on a financial limb, and today, for the first time in my life, I have taken out a personal loan, in my name, so that we can buy a new car!
Now this may not be a huge deal to some, but for me, it was an epic step, as I HATE owing money, and I am always quick to pay off my debts. They just stress me. But today I have committed myself, and our family to 7 years, hopefully sooner, of weekly payments to the bank so that we can upgrade to a safer more comfortable, family car.
Want to see what we are planning on getting............who cares it's my blog, I am going to show you!
So now my little Miss can get her L's and have our old car to start off with. She is going to buy it from us, for a good price, and pay $15/week till she has paid it off. Insurance and Rego will be her responsibility once she get's her licence. Her repayments will help us pay off our loan faster too, so at the end of the day we all win. Which is how I like it!
As for the other issue I have finally seen the light and I will not fall for it again. For it isn't the first time a hand as reached out from this person , full of hope and promise , and been quickly taken away. I guess I learn slowly?
Sometimes family can be the worst thing for you! A close family member out of the blue offered us an interest free loan to buy a car. But when we decided to take them up on it it became all about a car they wanted to sell, and not one we wished to buy. This car at first was offered, on the spur, and we sort of accepted, but I wasn't keen. The car for me is too big, and I just don't like it. But the seed was planted, and hubby started thinking that we really did need to think about upgrading. Which we did, and our older child needed a car of her own too.
I retreated to my safe bubble. When you don't have much, you tend to be caged over what you do. Not something of a good trait, I know, but I am always worrying about the what if's. It's my nature, so sue me!
Then this car was offered to someone else, which left us feeling a bit confused. You see this car wasn't theirs to offer, but someone else's.But the offer to still help with an interest free loan to buy a car of our choosing was still there. So we forgot about it, but not about buying a car. That seed was set, and well planted.
Then one morning, EARLY, I am woken up to be asked if we still wanted it.(The car) The other person changed their minds. Half asleep, and dazed, I said maybe, as hubby did, but I didn't. Then this family member threw in it needs new tyres, side mirror, and a service, and walked away before I could say or ask them anything. I closed the door and as I woke up realised this car was already $1000 + more expensive, and $1000 spare I do not have.
So I thought I would do some homework, and find out if the bank would actually give me money. I didn't think they would has we are low income, and hubby is only casual. But based solely on me, I was instantly, well about an hour or so, approved for a personal loan should I want it.
What got me was that the weekly repayments were the same as what was asked of me, and for a lot more money. So I thought with this I could actually get a NEW CAR, and not have any repair issues etc... just drive away with that new car smell.
So took myself to the car yard and made a few enquires. The man was falling over himself to sell me a car, and he offered me a NEW one with $2000 off the price.
This has annoyed this person, as they still have the issue of ridding themselves with this car, which belongs to one of their siblings who has up and left it on her plate. At the end of the day, the offer was really only a kindness in the hope we would rid her of the burden, and when we suggested that she loan our daughter a smaller loan to buy our car instead of giving us a loan, well then the real truth slowly became exposed.
If you are really concerned about someone you help them. If you are not, then don't bullshit.
Mean what you say, and follow through. So I washed myself of it all, and after much discussion with hubby and daughter, we decided to help ourselves.
At least this way there are no hidden hoops to jump, games to play, or enforced sucking up to do.
If people say they want to help you, when you haven't asked for it, the least you can do is follow through without staged performance and unlined clauses and making the person feel they are completely useless with out clue or thought or care. Big noting and belittling people, especially in front of strangers is not how I like to play ball. This person has always loved to grandstand and look wonderful in front of others.
I will be forever in my own debt. I am a survivor.