Another night with almost no peaceful sleep. This is starting to get ridiculous.
Alarm went off, and I felt as though I had only just reached a good relaxed dream state.
As I forced myself out of bed, noticing hubby was still not in bed, I mentally decided that I would just go back to bed when I got back from the school run. I have no where to be. House is clean, cold and wet outside. Bed seems like the intelligent choice based on my current lack of bedtime hours.
I had waited up for my man last night. I thought we could hang out an hour or so. We haven't seen much of each other on account of him sleeping all bloody day. Our electricity bill is something I am not looking forward to! At around 11 pm Miss put herself to bed, and I lit some candles, and stayed busy on the computer. 24 hour news channel on in the background, updating me by the min on the impending royal birth. Honestly she is a woman having a baby. 1000's of women had a baby the same day. The reporters had nothing to tell, they just dribbled crap. Everyone waiting outside the hospital....what did they hope for, a Michael Jackson type hang the newborn out the hospital window??? She had a boy I was informed this morning. Well that's lovely. It hasn't changed my life one bit.
So at 1 am I sent a text message... "ARE YOU OK?"
Turns out he was doing overtime. Boss was short, and the load was huge. Awesome, a quick text to let me know perhaps? Nope, low on credit, too busy. I get it. I have worked that job too. You don't often get the chance. Besides I was supposed to be asleep right!
So that instantly put be in a flustered state. Too alert to sleep, way to late to stay up.
So I went to bed, and tried to sleep. Hubby got in just after 2 am. I had managed to drift off, but his grand entrance into our room to find his PJ's and hug boots, brought me back to life.
He was beat. It was late, and with a quick peck on the head he was gone. Night!
So I lay there......THINKING........TURNING.......and forcing myself to sleep. It was almost 3:30 am when I last looked at the clock.
So, I get up, wake the boys, school today, and find myself annoyed that hubby isn't in bed. His turn to pick up the boys from school. I am not supposed to do it. ROUTINE and all that. I find him at the computer playing his aeroplane game. REALLY? 7:30 am, and he is playing JETS!
"Why are you still up?" I asked trying not to sound annoyed, but I am over tired, and no cuppa had, so it may have come out a bit hard.
"I am having FUN!"
FUN. He is having FUN, while I am slowly going insane. Well at least someone is happy.
So I said in passing conversation that I was very tired still, and would be going back to bed.
Well hubby didn't like that. HE NEEDED TO SLEEP,he has work tonight and must be rested. I could just sleep on the lounge. (Awesome for someone with my type of back, the last place I should sleep. Thanks Honey.)
"Why are you not sleeping?" he asks as if he doesn't already know. As if the last 4 times he has asked that same question, my answer would be different.
I am not amused now, as you can probably imagine.
I wanted to SCREAM......BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN OVER 3 MONTHS! BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALL NIGHT AND NO LONGER SEEMS TO HAVE ANY INTEREST IN ME OR MY NEEDS, WANTS, DESIRES. FUCK your book on WHY WOMEN WANT SEX...............YOUR WOMAN WANTS SEX. (oh yes, did I tell you that, his latest E-book, apparently it is really interesting!) I am tearing my hair out people.
26 years we have been together and I AM STILL THE SAME HORNY PERSON. I need sex. I like sex. I would like sex at least once a week. More, but once is fine. 3 MONTHS! He is the man, the one who is supposed to be bugging me for it. I am the one who is suppose to say "Not tonight dear I have a headache" There must be something wrong with me?
I know that in that 3 months I too have not wanted sex. Let's be fair. Pain, drugs, illness. It all has taken it's toll. It's been a rough few months.
But things are better now, aren't they? He can wank to porn, so it's working right?
I just HATE this.
He asks so much of me. I try so hard to PLEASE him. Cook things he really likes. Try and keep the house nice. Accommodate his every mood, want, and desire. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? I feel the world is about to end, and all I want is to hold him tight, give him my all, and he wants to play PLANES!
Can't he see that I am not happy any more. He can, that is why he is snappy at me. I am a bitchy witch. "I don't deserve that tone woman!"
I know this is just a build up of sexual tension. EASY FIX. Just add one loving man, hey presto!
So I sit here ALONE, COLD, TIRED, and PISSED OFF. I want to go to bed. I want to feel my man's arms around me. Smell him. But I dare not go there, I do not want a fight. I do not want to add rejection to my pain and misery.
I swear if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd be having an affair, or worse, plotting to leave me!
See, now all the nonsense thinking is creepy in. Next I'll be crying for no reason, and hating myself for being fat, and old, and not 20 any more!
BUT I better not put shit on him, because I AM LUCKY TO HAVE HIM, and should thank my lucky stars everyday.
WELL MATE, I do. I am lucky to have you. The only EVER time we have a problem in our RELATIONSHIP is when you FORGET about US/ ME!
There is never a time to even talk about it. KIDS are always here, there, EVERYWHERE.
But I can see now I have to stop talking to myself, and actually sit him down and spell it out, without emotional crap. Men just don't like that. I do try not to cry, but it just happens. It's not blackmail, it's just how I feel. The words come out like a bad soap drama, and all that's missing is the tense music.
I do not want to live in a sexless marriage. I still feel young, and I am not ready to just stop.
BALANCE. I can cope with EVERYTHING, good, bad, ugly, as long as I have his total LOVE. And that means ALL of it, not just the hugs, and the man about the house, but ALL of it, all of HIM too. I do not want to be the bad guy all the time.
Is that so unreasonable?