Friday, 19 October 2012


“When I look life in the eyes,
Grown calm and very coldly wise;
Life will have given me the truth,
And taken in exchange
(Sara Teasdale)

Today I have been pondering the whole “Circle of Life” concept. As I sit here and write, I am thinking about my kids, and how they are growing up, and how life is just flowing, as it should, at it’s natural pace, just as it is for me.

I have always been an open person. What you see is what you get. I find it really hard to pretend to be something I am not. It has at times caused me a lot of upset; as I have misjudged others thinking that they are like me, when they were far from it. This has been a hard lesson to learn. It has taken me till my 40’s to work this out. Slow learner I know, but I just want to see the best in people. I can’t really change who I am, nor do I want to. I like who I am.

Now, as you would know if you have been reading my posts, that I have also been open about the topic of sex with my daughter. I wanted to make sure she didn't get used by the first boy that whispered flatteries. I didn't want her first time to be a rushed one sided affair in the back of a car. I shared my stories of friends and school crushes, and past hurts. I again answered questions as they came up. She has always been able to talk to me about things. I am grateful for that, and it is nice. We have a very different relationship to the one I had with my mother.


I have even been approached by her friends sometimes with questions. I have certainly been adopted at times as a surrogate mum. I have been proud of the fact that I am open, and comfortable, and I won’t hide the truth, and I will honestly describe what a pap smear is like, or what being pregnant is really like. If we older women do not pass this information on, what hope does the next generation have?

But now I find myself at that moment in life when your child is no longer a child, and is growing up. Child number 1 is now in a somewhat serious relationship, and things have been getting more serious as the months have progressed. A few weeks ago she sat me down with her boyfriend and basically informed me that they have been considering having sex, and they would like to discuss their options regarding contraception.

Well I won’t lie; it is very different talking to your own child about these things than someone else’s. It is really hard to separate the young adult in front you, with the little baby you held in your arms. But you reap what you sow, so I sucked it up, and answered their questions as best I could, and got out some books, to which my daughter laughed and said to her boyfriend “See I told you she would get the books out!”  Truth was I needed a second to pull myself together!

I couldn't help but think, “ARE YOU SURE?” but they impressed me with their honesty, and their willingness to go to the doctor’s together and approach this in a very responsible manner. I guess I couldn't hope for better. But it is never easy, for a parent to realise that their baby is growing up. It isn't like celebrating their first kiss. This is like a reversal of the feeling you get when you work out your mum and dad have probably done it, well at least the same number of times as there are children. Some things just are better not thought on too much. I just said “Well be safe, as I am too young to be a grandmother” and then suggested the boyfriend read “Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm” Well I wouldn't want my daughter to have a rotten first time!

So there you have it. Soon our first born will be crossing that line, and her innocence will be gone forever. I only hope that she has chosen well, and that she will not one day regret this decision. I am happy that they have at least really talked about things, and they have very strong feelings for each other, unlike some of her friends who have just run with their hormones.

I cringed when I hear stories of guys that are all yeah, let’s do this, but the girl is left with all the responsibility of buying the condoms. Don’t laugh; this happened to a friend of ours. After dating this boy for a few months, they decided that it was time. So on her birthday they decided they would do it. Maybe it was his gift to her?? It was her first time. The boyfriend was too shy to buy his own condoms! So the young girl was faced with going to the shops and buying the condoms on her own. How sad is that. She was a virgin, and this was her first serious boyfriend, and there she was faced with such an array of choices; there are coloured ones, flavoured ones, textured ones, ones with vibrating bullets, and cock rings, and then the sizes, way too much for a young in-experienced girl to decide on her own. I would go ape if my boys did that to their partner. I mean have men become utterly LAZY?

It is like these young girls who are more than happy to rip their panties off, and have a wow of a time, but they are scared of getting a pap smear! JUST WHAT THE HELL is the point of their SEX EDUCATION???
I had such a discussion at work today with a few young girls. All of them afraid. Yet they are sexually active, and putting themselves at risk of cervical cancer, a major killer of women in this country. It is not a fun experience, a bit embarrassing, but it is quick, and over in moments, and it could save your life! Same for you older men too. Once a year just bend over, you could save your life, and your sex life too. In my book totally worth a few moments of being uncomfortable. At least you guys get to wait till your late 40’s, we women have to start on the on set of sexual activity.

So my thoughts today go out to other parents who have children who are growing up and coming of age. I guess I am grateful she has waited till now, 18, and she is with someone who she feels comfortable with, and who seems caring, and patient. Who knows, he could be her one? My hubby certainly was for me. We were engaged first though; I know things are different now. We were just was more committed to the relationship. Showing my age now aren't I!

So now I have to trust that all my openness has been worth it, and that she has taken it all on board, and is making the right choices for herself. As long as she is safe, and considerate of her siblings, and her parents, I would much rather her having sex in a safe environment, than in the back of a car parked out in the middle of nowhere.

I am happy that she feels safe enough to come to me. I know one day she will have kids of her own, and I will love my grand-babies with all my heart. Deep down I just want her to be happy. I hope she always feels able to come to me, even if I may have to remind myself that this is what I wanted. This is what I did. I shared with her knowledge, and she is not hung up on all the silly feelings of guilt and shame. She is comfortable chatting with me about sex, life, relationships. She respects her body, and she has chosen a nice guy who at least for now, seems to respect her too.

So just hang on tight, and enjoy the ride!


  1. Ahhh, my daughter is 8. I can only hope and pray I'm as good as you are one day. It's not something I look forward to, but I know it has to be done. You're a good mommie!

    1. Thank you, but some days I really don't think so. I yell at my kids all the time. They totally frustrate the crap out of me. But I love them to death, and I hope that one day they will appreciate what i was trying to do for them. I guess from the moment we know they are there growing inside us, we never stop worrying about them. I am sure you will have a wonderful journey with your daughter. Stay open. I miss the days when my baby girl was little, and less opinionated and sloth like! lol

  2. Wow, you are an amazing parent. Perhaps it is different with boys but I have not had that happen, a sit down discussion.
    With my son in a committed relationship of nearly 2 years I would be very surprised that they were not having sex. We certainly have sleep overs each weekend.
    I know she is protected against pregnancy. This is something she was quite open about and it certainly put my mind at rest (like you, I am way to young to be a grandmother)

    1. Since this discussion, we have seen much less of our daughter. She spends a lot of her free time at the boyfriends house, and often doesn't come home. I still think they are a bit young, but they are safe, and that is better than not being safe.

      It is a bit weird, and annoying when she leaves it till the last min to tell me she is not coming home for dinner, ( Like when I have just dished the bloody thing!)

      She looks different. Well she does to me. Not overly, just a little. She is growing up, and I know the next step is she will move out and then we will see even less of her. This is something I am getting use to.

      It's funny when I think back and remember how on her first day of school I cried all day. I cried, and I cleaned. I had the most cleanest house ever. Now I find it almost peaceful when she is away. I know she is safe, and smart, and not doing anything silly like drinking and smoking, so I am very grateful for that, so I really have nothing to worry about.

      Her uni is suffering, but this is her life and her choices. All I can do is guide, suggest, and back away.

      As for the boys??? Only the heavens can help me there. They are so different. For now girls are nothing more than mates, or annoying, so I have time up my sleeve. I can only hope that they turn out like their dad, of that I can be proud.

      You are a good mum too.