Well good morning, or should I say it might have been???
This is me, well not actually me, but you get the picture.... That's right, I have woken up feeling crappy, tired, and not at all in the mood to want to smile and play the perfect housewife/mother/friend/anything!
Today I am sulking. I have the inner most desire to want to stamp my feet and grumble that life isn't fair!
But you know I won't do that. No not me. Just here in my little blog do I really let go and and occasionally let my more negative side have it's way with me. Lately that's the only thing having it's way!
Even with the promise, the before work taster, the welcomed and very much liked and enjoyed nipple kissing and special kissing of MR's best friend.... ZIP!
Everything that could have gotten in the way last night did.
Hubby came home happy from work, I think he is just relieved to be back and all is OK. The whole family home, rare these days as child 1 is always at the boyfriends house.
I make him dinner, like the good wife. While he was away, I had cleaned the house. Dishes no longer piled on the bench tops, the basket of laundry now washed and hanging on the line by the heater, and the 3 baskets of folded washing was now all safely put away. Even the loo was clean.
Well that is a big deal for me....considering I haven't been able to take care of myself for weeks. Still can't put on my bloody socks and shoes!
Mistake number 1:
Hubby failed to notice a difference to the house!
Can you not smell the pine-o-clean freshness! Can you not SEE the vacant space on the bench tops that are now free from the kids spilt milo! Can you not see the dish rack is full of CLEAN WASHED DISHES. Can you not see the BINS are EMPTY!
Nevermind, I held it together, I put that smile on my face, after all tonight was ours...... I made him dinner while the kids stole ALL his attention. I am yet to even get a hug in.
He LOVED his dinner, and the movie I had gotten for us to watch. JACK and the GIANT SLAYER. The whole family stayed up. It was nice, lovely, something we had not done in ages.
Then once movie was done, we sent the boys to bed, and I told Miss child 1 it was also time for her to go to bed as she has work today. It was 11:30 pm, by then.
FINALLY US TIME. I had anticipated this all night.
Time ALONE, adult time. SEX. I have craved for for a VERY LONG TIME!
So hubby asked if I'd like to watch "Spartacus" with a winning grin....sure, why not, well buffed men, half dressed, hot naked women, sex, lust, yes that's the right idea. My tummy did a flip flop dance. Tonight's the night.
This season is very good, so we end up watching 3 in a row. By now the kids are all sound asleep, and the time is now getting on. 2 am. I am getting tired, but I am not caving in. I am spending this time with my man, and any moment he is going to take me to bed and make me do and submit to most delightful deeds!
Out of nowhere I get TONE!
'Honey it's late, don't you think you should go to bed?'
"Ummm yes, but........" I sit there in the dark room with just the light from the TV set to give away my horror.
'The boys will be up early, and our teenaged daughter won't be up till after mid-day, and I won't be up till after mid-day, so I really do not think it is fair that the boys be up all alone for hours do you?'
I was in that fraction of a second LIVID!
I had spent hours getting ready for us. Making sure that when I got up nothing needed doing, that the kids were OK, set up with food, and DVD's to watch. It won't kill them, they have been fending for themselves for weeks, and looking after us...............REALLY!
I was MAD. I was so MAD I could not even speak.
This is how I felt.................just in reverse................................... AAARRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I got up, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth again, and got myself ready for bed. IN SILENCE.
I found my heat pillows and zapped them in the microwave. Something he would do for me. SILENCE.
Our happy bonding evening had just collapsed into a silence from HELL. The air was COLD. No longer was I smiling. In fact I was numb. Numb with rejection, and hurt.
Hurt because I knew that in a hour or so I me being asleep, he would be wanking to some mindless porn, and getting off, while I lay there FRUSTRATED and SAD. I could have masterbated too sure, but I was too mad to now wasn't I!!!
He made his way down the hall to say good night. I had failed to say night and kiss him in my usual manner.
HINT number 2! I guess he got that one.
The cat was on our bed purring and demanding pats.
He stood by my bedside and patted the cat, talking sweetly to the cat, and I screamed inside silently wishing that he would just take the fucking cat and let me sleep so I can get up and be a MOTHER to our children. Wasn't that why I was going to bed, so that I could sleep....???
After a few minutes, he spoke......
'Are you MAD at me?'
"NO!" I spat. I am not a good liar. I couldn't even hide the hurt from it.
'Yes you are'
Well give the man a prize. I think if the tables were turned I would have been called a PRICK TEASER!
So I stated that I resented the notion of being a BAD MOTHER, when I was just trying to spend time alone with my husband.
It was true, I was pissed that it all came down to me, not that our boys have even noticed me this morning. Both very happy playing games, and watching TV, haven't moved an inch since I got up 3 hours AGO! haven't needed a bloody thing from me! Oh yeah I am so fucking needed here!
What I wanted was us to be kissing, and touching, and licking, and sucking, and to finish what we started all those hours ago. I wanted to connect, to FUCK, for my mind to escape the bondage of this life and be utterly free, and for us to have one hell of an ORGASM!
Then I would sleep, and rest and wake up HAPPY.
Isn't that what happens in the movies. Wife makes the whole world happy. Gives man what he likes, and he sweeps her off her feet and makes sweet sweet love to her?????
So here I am telling you all of my sexual failings. Of my frustrations. Of my crazy inner head thoughts of jealousy over a cat and internet porn and resentment of being a not needed mother!
I will rise above. I will not pout much. I will be me, put on a smile, pretend that having stayed up for pointless hours on a promise of sexual bliss has had no adverse effect on my mental health. Especially after watching 3 hours of hot TV. No I am not HORNY! I am a LADY. Ladies don't like nor feel the need for sex, it is just something they endure for their man................FUCK THAT!
I shall pay no attention to my screaming body, or my lustful thoughts which are now mixed with bitter words of "What do you care?".
This is not the way to proceed. I know that this path will only take me away from my goal, as it will make HIM mad, and not like me much.
Well HORNY me doesn't like him much either at the moment......
But the rest of me does. The most of me...the friend me, the wife me.
So YES, when he wakes I will hide my true feelings. I will smile. I will stand by him. He'd better just not give me the shits, or I may not be able to keep up this nice me. I am a razor on the edge.
But if he is HIM, and not all pissy, then we will be just FINE, and who knows, maybe later I just might get my wish.........................
I may just get my movie ending after all???????