letter 10# I give myself permission to........

Oh this so sounds like me at times............ I know I need to take a nap. I have been up since 5 am. Gone to work, come home, sorted through some domestic chores. Made lunch. Started reading my new novel. Just 1 chapter, but I am too busy to sit and read more. Have kept the kids busy, and stopped them several times from killing each other, and now am making dinner. Minute steak, mash,and broccoli, and a veggie lentil soup  for starters.

 I need to have a catch up snooze, cause hubby is home a bit earlier today, and we have planed to watch a movie, and who knows, anything could happen?? I hope so, but I am not getting my hopes up. But I wouldn't say no!

Saturday night is our hang out night. I really know that staying awake for over 20 hours is not good for me...but I really want to hang out and have our time too. All this is weighing up, what I need to be doing, what I am doing, and what I should be doing is acting like a traffic jam in my head. 

SO STOP CRISS!

I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO....

Stuff the rest of the house work and take your bra off. After dinner you have permission to chill, then I give you permission to put the kids to bed. You then can take a nap, and then if you have time read until hubby gets home. I shall  grant you permission to sleep as long as you need to tomorrow. 

Have a good weekend and stop stressing the small stuff......you are beautiful, and all is going to be OK!

I am beautiful ...You are beautiful......#9

I am going through some stressful home issues at the moment. Just life, bills, and lack of money. It will sort it's self, but everything happens at once and of course I solve it with food. But I am aware of what I am doing so I am a step ahead this time. I made some really nice veggie green soup. Loads of green veggies, and chick peas to thicken it up. It felt good to reward myself this way. I just have to get out of this depressed mood. My insecurities have peaked and I am feeling scared, not in control, and vulnerable.

Today I removed myself from everyone. I just went to my room and got into bed and closed my eyes. I needed to step out, re-charge, and just give myself an hour to breathe. I cried, and it was so cleansing. It actually made me feel like I had removed something heavy off my body.

So the past few weeks I have stepped back into old programmed unsafe comfort eating patterns, but today I feel back on track. 

Trust is such a big thing. I guess this steams from my past??

I still believe I am moving forward, even with a small step backwards........I may never be a size 10. I would be over the moon to get to a size 16. But for now I am going to be happy with my healthier size 18. It use to be a 20-22, so I have made some progress. 

Just remember we are all beautiful in our own way. 

"Beautiful"

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

[Spoken]

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful

Then suddenly it's hard to breathe.

Now and then I get insecure

From all the pain, I'm so ashamed.

I am beautiful no matter what they say.

Words can't bring me down.

I am beautiful in every single way.

Yes, words can't bring me down... Oh no.

So don't you bring me down today.

To all your friends you're delirious,

So consumed in all your doom.

Trying hard to fill the emptiness.

The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone.

is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say

Words can't bring you down....oh no

You are beautiful in every single way

Yes, words can't bring you down, oh, no

So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do

(no matter what we do)

No matter what we say

(no matter what we say)

We're the song inside the tune

Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go

(and everywhere we go)

The sun will always shine

(the sun will always, always shine)

And tomorrow we might wake on the other side

We are beautiful no matter what they say

Yes, words won't bring us down, no, no

We are beautiful in every single way

Yes, words can't bring us down, oh, no

So don't you bring me down today

Oh, yeah, don't you bring me down today, yeah, ooh

Don't you bring me down ooh... today

NOT A HAPPY GIRL...........

How can you ruin my weekend off............?

1) Get a phone call an hour before my alarm is due to go off and wake both hubby and I up. (Was already loosing my sleep in cause of workmen coming to the house early morning. EARLY)

2) Have the workman show up an hour EARLY! Thank goodness for the phone call. But still catching me getting out of the shower! FUCK!

3) Spend the day cooking and cleaning so that SUNDAY I can SLEEP IN, and DO NOTHING. Only the ironing, but mostly nothing but sleep in and chill.

4) Try and have a nap so that I can have a DATE night with my man, been looking forward to it for days, because I am already tired, cause I didn't get enough sleep last night, because I stayed up to hand out with HUBBY, so that I will not fall asleep, and be able to keep up with my man in his hours. I am talking getting to bed around 3 am ish.

5) Leave instructions with your child to not let you sleep past 6.30 pm. I just want a nap for an hour.

6) Have younger child wake me at 6 pm, thinking it is 6.30 then bounce a tennis ball down the hall till I yell at him to STOP you are trying to NAP!

7) Have child with instructions to wake you at 6.30 pm wake you at 7 pm, and tell you the workman who was here today called, and will be back at 8AM in the morning! (Why? We don't know, he was done today) Why 8 AM Sunday FUCKING MORNING??..... Because that is when said CHILD TOLD HIM I WOULD BE UP AND AWAKE! 

8) Have no way to call him back as I don't have his number. Tried my agents after-hours number and she is away on leave and as a message telling me to contact the office which does not open till MONDAY MORNING.

To say that he got the telling off of a life time is putting it mildly.

1) Because he should not be answering the phone.

2) He should come and get me.

3) NOT MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH WORKMEN WITHOUT CHECKING WITH ME FIRST ESPECIALLY ON A BLOODY SUNDAY MORNING!

I know he was trying to be helpful, but I can do without that. Oh and what mindset does a workman have making arrangements with an little boy??? FOR FUCK SAKE.

Then I see same CHILD decided that my LASAGNE which I spent making from scratch since the early hours of this morning,  for our lunch and dinner......2 trays.........WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE FOR BOTH MEALS.

HE MADE HIMSELF ANOTHER DINNER CAUSE HE ALREADY ATE LASAGNE, leaving my sink and stove....CLEAN SINK and CLEAN STOVE DIRTY.

So late tonight when I am hanging out with my man, late cause he is at work, I will have in the back of my mind that I have to be up at 7 AM so that I can be AWAKE and DRESSED for a bloody workman, instead of having a relaxed CHILD FREE, ADULT NIGHT with my HUSBAND. 

Yeah not exactly ROMANCE inducing. Bad enough that he gets home so bloody late, bad enough SATURDAY night is our ONLY FREE NIGHT of the week, cause child one stays at her boyfriends house and I put the boys in bed so that they are peacefully sleeping, IT IS THE CLOSEST thing to CHILD FREE as we can GET.

Tonight was for a nice meal, movie, sweet kisses, and HOT SEX.

Now I will have a pissed off husband, and a stressed out me, as I have no idea WHY he is coming, he fixed what he could fix, and told me he could fix the other thing as it will need replacing and he would call the agent MONDAY. 

What I feel like doing to my son's HEAD!

We will not have this opportunity for another 2 weeks...and by then I probably will have my period. So yes I am NOT HAPPY.

NOT ENOUGH SLEEP and NO DATE NIGHT with NO SEX =  A VERY BITCHY MUMMY!

OH HAPPY DAYS part 2

I was bored tonight and I found myself looking at old adverts from the 1900's through to the 1960's and they range from funny to the extremely scary.......





Take a look.........................

Words utterly defy me on this one..................

Looks extremely uncomfortable, I bet she enjoyed ripping this one off at the end of the day.............

Cure a sore throat with smoking???????? Oh that's why they smoke!

OKAY...........just weird.....................

What...what.....what is she reading...........we all want to know?????

Yes I agree...........a man's hands should be clean with short fingernails if he is planning to touch me anywhere...................

1940's version of 50 shades of Grey perhaps????

Yes babies need soft sugar drinks before they get teeth to rot..... WHOLESOME!

Just 'WHAT THE FUCK' is this ad about??????????? (See, so bad I had to spell out the words and not just use WTF!)

Different.....

I guess this was back when cocaine was used in coke.........ZING!

Now this gem can start a few stories.............................

Yes we always encourage the children to drink the cats milk...............

This underwear makes me glad I am living here today..........looks so uncomfortable......... 

UMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm????

Hands up.....who hasn't stood by the fridge like this on a romantic date night?

YEAH.................what am I doing? 

Oh deep breaths ladies................................Oh MY!

One must always be semi naked while playing her instrument, then enjoy a cigarette................

Wow...........................................................can'y buy bathing suits at those prices any more!

YES MEN.........smoking will make your dick this BIG!

OUCH..................................

Yes all the good mums feed there kids SUGAR!

LOL

Keep happy peeps.................

Things that make me see RED..........

I saw this on face book tonight and it really pissed me off......

Below you will see a chart made for hubby, clearly to encourage him to help around the house and with the kids.........

A BLOODY CHART......like a little KID CHART............

Take a close look!

HOW BLOODY SAD IS THIS! 

BJ for vomit clean up! Oh go fuck yourself. 

Does Mummy get a 'Girl BJ' for doing everything else for the' Rug Rats' they made together.........cooking, getting up at night, shopping, doctor visits.......tantrums.....school runs....reading....homework....projects....lunch boxes...notes signed.....clothes washed....notes signed...play dates set....birthday's planned....bedtime stories read......


You are team...you share the load 50/50...and sex should never be a reward...it should be mutually fun, and pleasurable, and bloody FAIR! IF YOU CUM GENTLEMEN....SHE BETTER CUM TOO! 


If your 'Man' can't 'Man Up' and share the deal, then walk out and find a real one.



End of Rant...................

Letter # 8 and other things.....

Hey Girl,

I know sometimes you feel like you are just faking it through life. Like you don't have a clue, and you pop on a face and hope that no one discovers that behind it you are just as clueless as the rest.

Just trust your gut, follow it's path and for the most part it carries you through. Sometimes you fall smack on your face, and you have to get up, re-think and move forward.

You have so many faces....mummy face....work face.....friend face.....wife face......lover face.....just Criss face.......it's all you...they are all what makes you,YOU. 

I think we all do that in life. You are not alone there. So why do you fret so much? You get spooked and hide like a wild little animal, and come back out when you think it's safe again? You don't have to hide.

Stressful things happen to everyone. Shit happens. We all unfortunately have to ride the shit train through life.

This morning I caught you telling your landlord you were sorry the roof was leaking! WHAT! Is this some residual catholic thing going on here? Some kind of repressed mother issue of not being good enough. Why are you sorry for something you had no control over, no part in creating, no fault in at all?

You live in an old house with prior history of leaking roof, so where exactly is this guilt, this 'sorry' coming from?  

"Sorry Mr Landlord...please don't sell the house......I don't want to move...please don't throw us out......PLEASE....PLEASE.....it won't happen again!"

You are so bloody insecure...."Don't hate me, don't stop loving me...stay with me....love me"...............

Can you hear your inner thoughts? I can hear them.

When are you going to trust people, to trust that they are not going to screw you over...that maybe there words are honest and true???

You frustrate the crap out me!

So you went to see your doctor and he said basically that you're fat and you are fat cause you eat too much.....

You know that is not true...you now how bloody hard you have been changing your ways......so last night you ate 1/2 a cherry ripe.....big deal......when was the last time you ate a chocolate bar????? EXACTLY! The reason you ate it was? Your landlord gave you short notice and you freaked out and jumped to all the wrong conclusions.

Yes all the conclusions are feared out of past experience, and yes having your hubby be just as stressed as you didn't help.....you count on him to be the positive one, but he can't always be that for you just as you can't always be smiling and happy for him.....it is normal stress....nothing a good lotto win wouldn't sort out...but you don't play that much so your chances of that happening are not good I'm afraid.

So just take a step back and think about what you are doing to yourself. This punishing act with food, this comfort reaching, this padding yourself up for the fall....it is not healthy my love.

Your husband isn't planning on leaving you because you got fat. He out of everyone can see how much you have worked at getting on top of this condition you have, PCOS. You didn't catch it on purpose. It is just unfortunate your body works that way. Sucks really...cause the way you eat, and take care of yourself you should be a hot yummy mummy.

So I want you to think about what is really blocking you? It is not the sugar...that is gone almost completely... it is not the calories....you have that under control.....it is not the food....you are sticking to the good food list for PCOS......so it has to be something else?????

From where I am standing STRESS is your number 1 fan. So what are we going to do about that???

Now go and enjoy your chick pea, spinach, red pepper, with spring onions and avocado egg lunch and relax for the rest of the day...well until 3 pm when the school pick up, shopping, dinner, and drama chaos events starts.....

You have 2 hours.....RELAX.....RE-CHARGE.....UNWIND....CHILL.....and just take a bloody break!

Sometimes you have to just giggle!

I honestly do think that "Chronic Stress" has played a huge role in my weight gain, and lack of weight loss, among other things........... I think this is going to be my biggest demon..........



I am a worrier........ I worry......... I am actually an expert worrier......... I am also a fixer..............I like to fix and help others....I always want to see my family happy......... I am working on that...............not that I mean I want them to be unhappy, or that I don't care....cause I do....but just that it is OK for them to have an unhappy day, and that I do not have the sole responsibility to change that...... 

So I can thank myself for worrying too much, and stressing too much and allowing myself to become run down, and catching a wonderful cold! 

SEE WORRY PANTS!

So for now leave all that WORRY at the door...have a lovely cup of whatever tickles your fancy, and watch something that makes you giggle.....

Have a happy week.