I set myself a challenge to write 10 letters to myself , so I have met my goal.
It has so far been a positive experience, and one I'd encourage anyone to take. I may do more? Don't know.....????
I know why I have hurt myself so much. I understand the reasons behind it. I think now after reading some of the other women's story's with PCOS, I can see it even more clearly now.
I am in a good place at the moment.
Yes my mum did have her faults, but she did the best she could, not the best, but her best. I survived, and am still here. I didn't turn into an alcoholic, or drug addict. But I did/do use my food as comfort.
The padding around my middle isn't helped by PCOS, but it has definitely became what it is by my behaviour and attitudes towards food.
I made myself unattractive, so that men would not want to fuck me. But then I hated myself when I lost control of me, and I couldn't lose the Weight again. Which lead to more depression, and more comfort eating and round and round we go.
Hurting my back was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.
I knew I had to change something, or I would just be a burden to my family, and I never wish to be that.
Whether it's my age, or just that I am more comfortable with who I am now, life is better.
Sure I have days when I completely melt down. I believe that every one is guilty of that, not just women with PCOS, but humans in general. It's life. Shit happens.
But if you look out from yourself, and out at the world you often see that what you think is bad, is no way as bad as that person, or that person right now.
This perspective has been so beneficial to my personal acceptance, and also gratitude for what I have right now.
So if there is one thing that I can share with others it is that.
We all need each other.
Every one is a lesson.
Every day is a blessing, especially if you are not ill, have those you love safe and food on the table. So many others right now have nothing. Imagine what I must look like to them?
So we may not be perfect. But we have so much to be grateful for everyday.
That is what makes me feel good. That is why I can smile so easily, and mean it.
Life is short. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. We have now, just now, this moment.
If I was going to be remembered, I like to be remembered for a woman who cared. Who could be nothing and everything at the same time. Some one not scared to be who she is, and filled with enough love to share. Perfect in her in perfections , and beautiful under her own skin.
As a representative of humans in general, I'd like to say that, yes, we all do meltdown from time-to-time.
ReplyDeleteReading this was hard, it's really powerful. It seems like you've come to an understanding with and about yourself which is a gift. One day I may get there too.
Thank you , and believe me it's been years in the making. I am sorry you are feeling like you have a long way ahead. Just take it day by day, step by step. There is no right or wrong way. We all journey through this life in our own way.
ReplyDeleteYou are not the first to say that reading my ,for a better word, live journalling has been 'hard'. I have made people cry, laugh, and everything in-between. I didn't ever imagine that my life could ever have that impact, or effect. I mean no harm, and sorry if I have upset you. I think we are 'humans' not so different. It is scary how many people you meet who have gone through something just like you. Proves we are never really alone. We just have been very good at bottling it all up inside. Once you let it go it looses it's hold, and power over you. Forgiveness plays a huge role too. I forgive, but I do not forget, and there is the difference.
I am just learning to cut myself some slack. I hope that my story, connects with someone, any one, and they can take something away from it which will make them feel better about themselves.
If you were here I would probably hug you.