Tuesday, 8 April 2014
I woke up this morning with this feeling of restlessness. I am feeling manic, and agitated, and have no real explanation why? Maybe I am about to get my period? It's been a long while since the last....it's possible? PMS? Who the fuck understands me any more? I am supposed to be writing positive healing letters to myself, and my head is full of self loathing, and nit picking criticisms, and negative hate speech. Someone soon is going to have to call in the United Nations and place some punishing sanctions on my ass.
Why is it I can be kind, caring, understanding, supportive, to EVERYONE else but me?
Why do I do that to myself Criss?
Is it some left over guilt trip from my childhood? My mother's constant teasing, and supportive messages of self esteem shattering thoughts?
"You are an idiot"
"You are dumb"
"No nice guy will ever want you"
"You can't do anything right"
"You can't cook"
"You are a hopeless mother"
Yet I always tried to do better, I always was working to gain her love and approval. I was the good kid. The one who wasn't going to get knocked up before I got married. I didn't smoke, take drugs, get tattoos. I went to church each Sunday with her till the day I got married. I even got married the way she wanted me too. I was never good enough for her. She even chose a child sex offender over your love and support, and sent you away with the words "YOU ARE SHIT STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE I CAN'T KICK OFF"
But Criss I know that it wasn't true. These issues are hers not yours. She had her own battles. You loved her despite them. That is what makes you a better person. You have love. You showed them all. You met a nice guy, a man who saw you, and not just the part between your legs. He waited for you, he loves you, he listens, supports you. He is your only real friend in this whole wide world. More a friend than you are to yourself.
I understand you have this drive to be perfect. To be the good wife, the good mother, the good friend...you put everyone before you, and then you shut down. You get angry. You get sad. WHY? Cause you forgot about you. That little girl inside you that is forever trapped at 8 years of age. That girl, sweet , funny, cute, cheeky, full of questions, of life and adventure. That girl who was so trusting that she never would have thought that anyone would hurt her the way they did. SHE is still not very trusting of you.
You have to take care of her now. You are her mother, her sister, her friend. She is safe now. You can protect her. You have protected her, and not only her, your own kids too. You are a lioness. Your lion and your cubs are your world. You chose to break the pattern. YOU SAID THIS SHIT STOPS HERE......NO MORE! And you did it. That is amazing.
Your kids are NORMAL, HAPPY kids. Be proud of that.
Stop feeling guilty. Guilty cause you have PCOS, because you are fat blah blah boo whooo. Suck it up princess.
Yes you have this illness, but you didn't give up. Give yourself some credit. You found help, you looked for answers. So what that you gave in for a few years....you woke up and said NO this is not what I want and you bloody well did something.....now look at how far you have come! So you are not a size 10, but you are healthier. Baby steps. Rome was not built in a day. It took 44 years to get here, it won't take 2 weeks to get back.
This morning I could not shake the guilt of first not wanting our last baby. I didn't. I had a baby and a child, a husband with no work, debt to the eyeballs, and just started a new job, a second job. 2 weeks in and I am throwing up. I say it's just nerves, stress, new job, baby, old job, juggling, stressing, lack of sleep, so much to remember. But this happened before. Your last job. For 6 weeks you stressed, you hated it, the people treated you badly. They lied in the interview and said that it was just 1 full day a week. You thought that would be good, and it fit nicely with the other job, but then they wanted more, asked you to work 3 months full time....which meant turning in your other job of 10 years......you said no. You did the right thing. Always so loyal. They would have let you go after that, it was only to cover a maternity leave spot. Your gut warned you, you are very good at that. So they fired you, despite the fact you were doing exactly everything you where hired to do plus.
Remember how happy you felt, how relived...you got your period that night. It was the first in ages. You where in so much pain, cramps, and the blood, so much blood. You thought it was just because of your body. The PCOS. You have never had a period like that since.
A week later talking with a friend about what happened over coffee, she became alarmed. She said that what I described was exactly like the miscarriage she had. I was like no way....I can't have babies......
When she left I thought of my past few weeks. Tender boobs, peeing all the time, throwing up.....it was all just stress right?
So I went to doctor, it was too late to know for sure, but he believed the chances were I did miscarry.
I wasn't sure how to take it. I didn't know I was pregnant. So it wasn't like I..... it was just so strange.
Then almost a few weeks later you score another part time job. Here you are again. All the family eggs in your basket and you can see that you are not cut out for this job. DEBT COLLECTION in a bank. Great work environment, but the job was so heartless, cold, mean.....NOT ME. It was the anti-me.
You are again stressing. Then the throwing up starts again. This time you buy a pregnancy test. But you don't use it. You hide it the cupboard and say nothing. Then you have a craving so bad for salt and vinegar chips at work that you have to buy some. You enjoy the taste so much, that someone jokes about you being knocked up.........
That night you think hard about the test. Last time you stressed so much, that you killed the baby. Well that is silly, but I know that is what you think. You know that it is best to use in the morning. It is most likely too soon to tell anyway. Morning is the strongest time to catch that hormone. But you figure that if you are, it will show up any time of day, and that you are most likely not, I mean really , YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS remember!
So you pee on the stick. Within moments you are staring at 2 blue lines.
You are not thrilled. You are scared. You are almost 36 years old....too old for this. There is no room in the house for another baby? We'd have to move...can't afford that..... I just stated a new job.
I call my sister......big mistake. She blankets me in OH CRISS, at your age....what are you going to do......you can't afford it???? She is so like my mother, I don't why I thought I could lean on her.......but hubby was out. I had to talk to someone, and a 2 year old and 8 year old just wouldn't get it.
When hubby gets back I tell him. He is so happy. I feel ashamed. I feel so ashamed that I thought I was making life so much harder, and only thinking about another mouth to feed.
He made me feel happy too, "We will be OK.....you'll see...it will be OK"
So I went to the doctors to confirm the test. After a few days I called the surgery and was told YES congratulations.......Remember Criss how happy the kids and hubby were.
Hubby started cooking the BBQ. A real treat back then. Special occasions only. I had been feeling really well all day. I allowed myself hope, and joy, and then went to the loo and discovered I was bleeding.
Within 5 mins of hanging up the phone to my doctor, I was back on crying and asking him what I should do???
At that moment I realised just how much I already loved this baby. MY BABY.
The next 14 hours were the longest of our life. My boobs stopped hurting. I didn't throw up. I didn't feel pregnant any more. I had to call my new boss and explain that I wasn't going to be in and why. I figured that would be the end of this job. 2 weeks in and I am knocked up. But they were kind, and supportive.
I lay awake all night thinking that I did this. I made this happen. I didn't want a baby now. So God was taking it from me.
I didn't speak, I lay on our bed and cried softly." Please don't die little one, fight, I love you"
The next morning hubby took me to the hospital and we had the ultrasound to see if the baby was still alive or if it had indeed died like the last. I took comfort in that the blood was not heavy, but blood is blood.
When that heart beat showed up, strong, I still remember, I cried, hubby cried, it was amazing. The blood was old. It was from before. Left over...dark. My body was cleaning itself, making room for this new life.
It's not your fault you baby has allergies, or ADHD. It isn't because you didn't want him. You kept him alive...despite the few other scares along the way, and the resulting 6 weeks early birth to save his life. So when he is struggling , just be there, don't blame yourself. That's crazy stuff......he is going to be just fine.
Why do you hurt yourself like this? It would have happened anyway.
So enough of this negative shit Criss.
You are a good person.
You make a difference to peoples lives.
You can make people laugh.
You have so much love.
You care too much.
You haven't given up your faith.
You are healing from the inside out.
You are a good wife.
You are a good mother.
You have morals.
You just need to keep believing in yourself.
It is not a BAD LIFE......it is just a down day.......
Now go out there and be grateful for all you have, and for how far you have come.
You never stop being you, and that is priceless.
I LOVE YOU CRISS.
I LOVE YOU.
Be a good friend to yourself.