DIY projects and good intentions.......

A few months ago I got a what you'd call 'spring clean' bug. No, it was much more than that, it was more like a "I hate EVERYTHING, and it's all got to go!" bug.

Well we seem to have over the last 17 years collected a lot of stray bits of furniture. Old chairs, cupboards, rugs, mats, just things that at the time where much appreciated, but now are just old, and broken, and don't really match anything. Things like the boys wardrobe that was dropped while moving house, and despite several attempts at repairs, still had it's door fall off.

Another example of what I mean is things like  my sister is having a clean up, and my nieces old dining chairs in her shed collecting dust. We need a matching set, as ours have broken, and the seams are coming apart, and the cats have helped  accelerate the deterioration with their sharp claws. In short we have odd chairs. UGLY chairs.

So I say 'YES" why not, matching chairs, and free...............

BUT.....................

They were left behind in my sisters shed for a reason. They are nice, and not ripped, but fragile as hell, and one chair has a leg completely broken.

Not having the heart to say "I really  don't want them now" (seeing how she drove them to me, and I now have them in my kitchen), I took them, and gratefully, as they do, however impracticable they are, look better then my current status, but I still have ODD CHAIRS, and now more broken chairs. 

All good intentions of family members to fix said chair, and re-enforce the others have not become fruitful, so I have solved nothing, and gained more clutter.

Lesson finally learned...... I will be no ones dumping ground, unless I am sure, and have seen with my own eyes what is on offer, and if it just needs a little.....................NO!

Any way, back to my insane desire to home improvement.

After discussing with hubby about what I'd really like for my birthday..... "all the shit thrown out" he agreed, but did ask that we do only one room at a time. (He also did buy me a lovely hoody with the words "KEEP CALM AND LET CRISS HANDLE IT" printed on the front, for my birthday. Such faith in me. lol 

Seems like a fair enough request. Sensible, practical, and full of good reason and common sense. So do I take it?

NO!

Our daughter, now seeing that things might look good, decided that she too would like to sort out her room. The recent bust up with said boyfriend, still has her in a state of retail therapy. She is buying, so why not.

I realise that my 6 year dream to rid myself of all the odd, the ugly, and mismatched, the broken, is at my finger tips, and I am going to need a huge skip to clear this rubbish up. It is/was/is intoxicating.

I have been saving, and after a recent visit to the bank, to sort out the finances, I am now credit card debit free, and just one personal loan to deal with at a lower interest rate, and have spare cash to play with. PERFECT. All my Christmas/ Birthday's have come at once.....

So daughter and I start shopping............................we soon discover that furniture is expensive, and to buy all that we need we may need to shop smart. We also discovered that NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE seems to build the bloody things any more either!

I am not un-used to screwing things together, having made most of the bookshelves and small office type furniture myself in the past, my daughter too, we had a sudden 'GIRL POWER' moment, and we felt we could do anything.

After a lovely day out at IKEA, and a quick stop at Chip as Chips, we had pretty much bought EVERYTHING we needed, except the room hubby said we should start with, and that was the kitchen. ( Ran out of money)  

But in my defence, we did between us get  A LOT of stuff, and we only had 2 delivery costs, where as hubby's way would have incurred more expense. Well that is what I am telling myself to make it all OKAY.

Now here in lies the problem. 

Daughter has no room for her things, with her current things in her room, so she moves her things, to kitchen, and our room, and where ever else she can stash it. Her huge book case, is now ours, so all the hall way things, books, DVD's, Photo albums, and pictures need to be emptied from current living arrangements and stored in new home. We did that, and it looks good, but now all that stuff is also in my kitchen.

We also bought a new desk for hubby's computer. So all his things went into the kitchen too, as we built, hammered, screwed, for hours. Trying to read instructions, that do not always make sense, and slowly becoming sick of this girl power movement we started.

Hubby mean while is TUT TUTTING, saying we didn't listen and now there is chaos, and don't come crying to me................you get the picture........  he is right, but I wont say it out loud. Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell him......................


At least the cat seems to like it............

It is slowly coming together, but our house is still a mess, and things are still in the process of structure, and although I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I still have a huge mess to deal with which is doing my head in.

Our Miss is now taking a break from construction, which is not good, as it is her room with the most crap to sort, and we need her stuff out the way to be able to finish the boys room.

I am seriously over it all..................I thought in 2 weeks we would have it all done, and be shopping around for a new table and chairs, with buffet maybe??? But I really don't think so.............

I forgot somewhere in this girl power duo collaboration, that I also have a job, and I am also a mother, and I also do not have the strongest back in the world, and have definite limitations.........I forgot that the rest of world would not stop and take a pause while I DIY my home, and that I would be shopping, cooking, working, washing, and cleaning, as well as going through 8 years of stuff.  It is amazing the amount of things you gather. Scary actually!

So I am EXHAUSTED. Staying up till 2 am, waking up at 7 am and doing this repeated day after day is now really taking it's toll.

Hubby is now helping. I think he is just sick of the mess too, or he is feeling sorry for my lack of self control, but he is a perfectionist, and so building a small boy, might have taken us 4 hours, but it has been a whole 24 hours now, and he is still yet to screw anything together. It will however be put together well, and of that I am sure. Not like the boys wardrobe where my daughter in her rush to get it done, angled the nail wrong and spilt the wood. Thankfully it is on the top and at the back, no one will see it, but I know it's there. 

So the plan is by the weekend to have the rest built and set up, and then the rubbish removal can start. I have a few weeks left before house inspection, so it has to be all cleaned up by then. It will look good, and eventually the dining room will too...........Rome wasn't built in a day you know! But the next shopping trip will be with hubby, so I don't get talked into anything else by Miss shop-a lot. She really is a bad influence...........well is it fun spending someone else's money. (Hers) 

Wish me luck......but I can honestly say that if I don't see another Allen Key for the rest of my life, it will be too soon. At least all the clutter is disappearing...............YEAH!

It's been a VERY LONG WEEK! Thank goodness for the weekend. So happy I have it off. 

Hugs and Smiles to all xxx

Chocolate is no substitution for sex!

It has been a LONG week, and it is not over yet. This new roster I'm on is taking me a while to get use to. I do these long stretches of days, and then have a 4 day break, and then work again until the fortnight four day break comes back. I still get my Tuesdays off, but I have lost my Sundays, and now have to work a full weekend each fortnight , which feels like I am always at work. My Tuesdays are now filled with catch up things, like ironing, appointments, and housework like cleaning the loo, you know all the little jobs only mummy fairies seem to do, or notice. The sad thing is, as much as my four day break is so very welcomed, it flies. It's like a wake up and fart and it's over. (insert sigh here)

And what's with people and full moons? Why is it when we are having a full moon all the moody, shitty people decide to come out. They spread their grumpy moods hoping to infect others with their rude, sour, personalities. I like to say "HEY, I can only imagine your day must really suck, but do you have to be a total fucktard towards me?" SERIOUSLY!  If people could read my thought bubbles I would be in deep trouble.

Well as you may or may not know, this year has been devoted to a cleaner eating, less sugar, less grain, no pasta, rice, bread, blah blah blah...........

I have been mostly good, but not militant towards my diet. I had weaned myself completely off chocolate. I think I lasted almost  three months, but then shit happened, and I got stressed, and hubby was stressed, which as we know means the love life sector suffers, so I gave in and replaced sex with chocolate, and now I eat the bloody stuff like I use to. (...and NO, it is not better than an orgasm)

Even our govt it seems is on the case......

NEWS

Tony Abbott’s taxpayer-funded sex lessons for intimacy starved lovers as part of government’s relationship counselling scheme

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/tony-abbotts-taxpayerfunded-sex-lessons-for-intimacy-starved-lovers-as-part-of-governments-relationship-counselling-scheme/story-fni0cx12-1227050120642?nk=fde1cad519ec3eead1314047cabdad48

The replies in the posts would suggest that men are  not so convinced the issue is on them, and that women are still the ones turning off the lights, and putting up the no sex tonight dear signs.

I really don't think we can just lump people into groups. Each couple is to be looked at as a separate study.

Why is there not enough sex in the relationship?

What is going on in their lives?

What is their relationship based on?  Love, convenience,  status........

Are they friends as well as partners?

Kids?

Demanding jobs?

No job?

Debt?

Illness?

So many factors.

Then to our men who want sex...... what kind of hubby are you?

Do you work?

Do you help about the house?

Do you listen to your wife, talk. Share the kids, help in the kitchen, pay her attention?

Or are you the come home, demand dinner, eat in front of the telly, put shit on her for not having the house clean, despite the fact that she has been up since 5 am, done 5 loads of washing, chased after 3 kids all day, and cooked, washed up, did baths, story times, knows that she will only get 5 hours sleep before it starts up again, and she has work too, and expect at bed time to have a sex goddess awaiting your in your bed! 

NO YOU FUCKING GREEDY MAN, she at this point is trying hard to remember why the fuck she even liked you in the first place!

She resents you.

She is jealous of you.

She is so in need of you.

And what of your hygiene sir?

Are you clean?

Do you smell of BO?

Do you clip your nails, and remove tags, and keep them clean? No woman is going to want rough dirty hands caressing her inner thighs. We have enough issues with the plumbing down there, without adding infections and extra bacteria to boot.

Have you brushed your teeth, do to sink of beer and chips?

We really don't need flowers, and treats.... personally I think women who use men like that are pretty shallow. 

But it is a two way street having a relationship. Women have memories like elephants, and men can be clueless. Unlike porn, most women need more than that to get going. Remember those girls are getting paid big bucks, or they wouldn't be fucking those guys either!

A woman wants to be wanted, she needs to feel loved and appreciated.  It is amazing what a small gesture can do to uplift a mood.

I am so lucky to have such a man. We may not be rich, be good in health, or have the luxury of our own home, but we have LOVE, trust and RESPECT for each other. I wouldn't trade that for anything. So I don't get as much sex as I'd like. If the kids were not about so much , maybe we would get a bit more? But it is our family, and we love them. Sure life throws in a spanner every now and then, but you have to ride it out. 

Do I want to be thinner? YES. Have I lost any more weight since May? No. Does my husband love me any less? NO. So really I am doing OK, right?

Life is what you make it. We can choose to be bitter, and grumpy, or we can try and make sunshine out of the rain.

People need to be loved. So SMILE at a stranger. Be kind to the person who serves you at the shops, or the post office, or the butchers....you get my point. 

Everyone is going through something. EVERYONE.

It could always be worse.....remember that.

So go and hug that someone. Your mum, your dad, your husband, wife, child, cat, dog, parrot........ just be glad that you are  not in a war zone, or have cancer, or something so bad that there is no coming back from.

Just be kind, and share a little kindness in your day. I promise you it will come back to you, and it will feel really good. Not as good as awesome sex, but GOOD. 

Keep smiling people. 

My letter challenge............

I set myself a challenge to write 10 letters to myself , so I have met my goal. 

It has so far been a positive experience, and one I'd encourage anyone to take. I may do more? Don't know.....????

I know why I have hurt myself so much.  I understand the reasons behind it. I think now after reading some of the other women's story's with PCOS, I can see it even more clearly now. 

I am in a good place at the moment. 

Yes my mum did have her faults, but she did the best she could, not the best, but her best. I survived, and am still here. I didn't turn into an alcoholic, or drug addict.  But I did/do use my food as comfort. 

The padding around my middle isn't helped by PCOS, but it has definitely became what it is by my behaviour and attitudes towards food. 

I made myself unattractive,  so that men would not want to fuck me. But then I hated myself when I lost control of me, and I couldn't lose the Weight again.  Which lead to more depression, and more comfort eating and round and round we go.

Hurting my back was the final nail in the coffin,  so to speak. 

I knew I had to change something, or I would just be a burden to my family, and I never wish to be that. 

Whether it's my age,  or just that I am more comfortable with who I am now, life is better.  

Sure I have days when I completely melt down.  I believe that every one is guilty of that, not just women with PCOS, but humans in general.  It's life. Shit happens. 

But if you look out from yourself, and out at the world you often see that what you think is bad, is no way as bad as that person, or that person right now. 

This perspective has been so beneficial to my personal acceptance, and also gratitude for what I have right now. 

So if there is one thing that I can share with others it is that. 

We all need each other. 

Every one is a lesson. 

Every day is a blessing, especially if you are not ill, have those you love safe and food on the table.  So many others right now have nothing.  Imagine what I must look like to them?

So we may not be perfect. But we have so much to be grateful for everyday. 

That is what makes me feel good. That is why I can smile so easily, and mean it. 

Life is short.  Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  We have now, just now, this moment. 

If I was going to be remembered, I like to be remembered for a woman who cared. Who could be nothing and everything at the same time.  Some one not scared to be who she is, and filled with enough love to share.  Perfect in her in perfections , and beautiful under her own skin. 

The discussion..........

Oh my dear Criss,

I want to open your eyes up to all the different possibilities of you. I want you to see just how important you are , and that just maybe along the way someone, or a few someone's, may have instilled in you some negative seeds that go not apply any more.....


OKAY....... What exactly are you talking about?

List 5 things you where told when you were growing up that you still repeat to yourself in your head.....


Really? 


YES! GO.....................................


(huge sigh)

1. You are stupid

2. You are ugly

3. That boy wouldn't want a girl like you

4. You can't 

5. You wont about to anything, give up



Thank you. 

Now look at that list and tell me which ones are  still true today?


Ummm, none really, maybe 2???


So you still see yourself as ugly?


Yes, sometimes I do.

Only sometimes? When do you feel beautiful?

When I forget about how I look. When I stare into my husbands eyes. When someone's tells me, or throws a nice compliment my way.


So others don't see you as ugly in general?

No, I guess not......I just wish I was thin, the top half is okay , but the waist down is really shitty.


But when you were younger, your body didn't look like that? It was thin. It was shapely, it was...and I have seen the photos, pretty hot. But you thought you were ugly even then right?


Yes! What was I thinking? I would love to look like that again.

I want you to now to list 5 things you always wanted and how have....

OKAY.........

1. Someone who would love me no matter what

2. To be a mother

3. To have a happy family

4. To help people

5. To just be liked for who I am and not what I look like.

Judging from your list you have pretty much nailed it.

You have a husband who is faithful, loves you, needs you, and supports you. Even now, in this middled aged body, and fatty bits.....he still looks at you with that same smile.

You have brought into the world 3 amazing children. Each different, each with their own personalities, and together with your hubby,  raised them , taught them, and kept them safe. 

For the most part, your family is HAPPY! Everyone has there ups and downs, that is not what I am saying here.....you guys LOVE EACH OTHER, and you have provided your family with a safe loving home.

You help people all the time. It is so natural to you, you can't even see you self doing it.

At work, people flock to you for a laugh, a chat, advice.....same on line....you are almost a kind of agony aunt. 

YOU CARE.......YOU EMPATHISE.......YOU MATTER TO OTHERS........

Do you think these people care that you are no longer a size 10? They don't give a rats......

They come because you open your heart. You embrace them with a warm hug. You are a safe place.

You make a difference. People are aware when your not there......They miss you.

I guess, I mean I know....I need them too. Growing up I was rejected a lot. My mother wouldn't hug me. She once told a teacher that if he thought I was smart he was a bigger ass then I was. I had topped my maths class and was heading up to the next level. It was the bottom level I was in mind you, but I worked so hard and got to a point where I started getting A's, and still she thought I was an idiot.


Yet your not, clearly, so why do you call yourself dumb, and shy away from things because you think you are not smart enough? 

You're not dumb.....you may not have a degree....but that hardly makes you stupid. I know many people with degrees that I can safely call stupid. A degree doesn't make you smart....


Listen, you are doing everything you can to heal the past, and heal your body. You have been a hurt, scared little girl and that really sucks, and it really wasn't fair. But look in the mirror today, and look at what you have become.


You are a wife, a mother, a lover, a friend, a safe haven. You are learning each day. You can laugh, cry, sing...and you are doing OK.

So you don't have a house, huge bank account......you have something money can't buy. YOU HAVE LOVE.

So stop beating yourself up because you ate chocolate, and you have been really enjoying it. It's better than being bombed in GAZA! Do you think those women are worrying about how well they look in their jeans? Don't think so....... So look at what is important.

Yes , you are right..... I have so much to be happy for, and I am happy. I and very proud of who I am , and I don't really wish to change me much. Yes I do want to look better, and maybe one day I will? The important thing is that I don't give up on me. I don't give up, because I wouldn't give up on my kids, or my hubby, so why would I give up on me?


EXACTLY! 

Each stretch mark is a reminder that I gave life..... Each line in my face is proof that I have lived, laughed, cried, and loved. I am no longer 20 years old, so why do I compare myself to them?  I am not a sports car, but a reliable sedan, with plenty of room in the back!

I went for a walk today, not to exercise, but just to feel the sun on my face. It was heaven. 

I have learnt so much. I have grown so much. Especially in this last year. How simple is it to gain joy from a ray of sunshine in the middle of a cold winter? I wonder how many others have stopped today and just soaked in a little warmth?

So I guess what you are telling me is when everything gets stressful, I must not throw out the window everything and just revert to a bunch of old beliefs, that were never really true anyway...........


Pretty much.....

You will have bad days....that is normal.....you will have things to fret over, stress over, that is also very normal.....but it is just a bad day, or even a few bad days, not a bad life.....keep the balance......and never forget that you matter.

YOU MATTER A LOT.

letter 10# I give myself permission to........

Oh this so sounds like me at times............ I know I need to take a nap. I have been up since 5 am. Gone to work, come home, sorted through some domestic chores. Made lunch. Started reading my new novel. Just 1 chapter, but I am too busy to sit and read more. Have kept the kids busy, and stopped them several times from killing each other, and now am making dinner. Minute steak, mash,and broccoli, and a veggie lentil soup  for starters.

 I need to have a catch up snooze, cause hubby is home a bit earlier today, and we have planed to watch a movie, and who knows, anything could happen?? I hope so, but I am not getting my hopes up. But I wouldn't say no!

Saturday night is our hang out night. I really know that staying awake for over 20 hours is not good for me...but I really want to hang out and have our time too. All this is weighing up, what I need to be doing, what I am doing, and what I should be doing is acting like a traffic jam in my head. 

SO STOP CRISS!

I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO....

Stuff the rest of the house work and take your bra off. After dinner you have permission to chill, then I give you permission to put the kids to bed. You then can take a nap, and then if you have time read until hubby gets home. I shall  grant you permission to sleep as long as you need to tomorrow. 

Have a good weekend and stop stressing the small stuff......you are beautiful, and all is going to be OK!

I am beautiful ...You are beautiful......#9

I am going through some stressful home issues at the moment. Just life, bills, and lack of money. It will sort it's self, but everything happens at once and of course I solve it with food. But I am aware of what I am doing so I am a step ahead this time. I made some really nice veggie green soup. Loads of green veggies, and chick peas to thicken it up. It felt good to reward myself this way. I just have to get out of this depressed mood. My insecurities have peaked and I am feeling scared, not in control, and vulnerable.

Today I removed myself from everyone. I just went to my room and got into bed and closed my eyes. I needed to step out, re-charge, and just give myself an hour to breathe. I cried, and it was so cleansing. It actually made me feel like I had removed something heavy off my body.

So the past few weeks I have stepped back into old programmed unsafe comfort eating patterns, but today I feel back on track. 

Trust is such a big thing. I guess this steams from my past??

I still believe I am moving forward, even with a small step backwards........I may never be a size 10. I would be over the moon to get to a size 16. But for now I am going to be happy with my healthier size 18. It use to be a 20-22, so I have made some progress. 

Just remember we are all beautiful in our own way. 

"Beautiful"

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

[Spoken]

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful

Then suddenly it's hard to breathe.

Now and then I get insecure

From all the pain, I'm so ashamed.

I am beautiful no matter what they say.

Words can't bring me down.

I am beautiful in every single way.

Yes, words can't bring me down... Oh no.

So don't you bring me down today.

To all your friends you're delirious,

So consumed in all your doom.

Trying hard to fill the emptiness.

The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone.

is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say

Words can't bring you down....oh no

You are beautiful in every single way

Yes, words can't bring you down, oh, no

So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do

(no matter what we do)

No matter what we say

(no matter what we say)

We're the song inside the tune

Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go

(and everywhere we go)

The sun will always shine

(the sun will always, always shine)

And tomorrow we might wake on the other side

We are beautiful no matter what they say

Yes, words won't bring us down, no, no

We are beautiful in every single way

Yes, words can't bring us down, oh, no

So don't you bring me down today

Oh, yeah, don't you bring me down today, yeah, ooh

Don't you bring me down ooh... today

NOT A HAPPY GIRL...........

How can you ruin my weekend off............?

1) Get a phone call an hour before my alarm is due to go off and wake both hubby and I up. (Was already loosing my sleep in cause of workmen coming to the house early morning. EARLY)

2) Have the workman show up an hour EARLY! Thank goodness for the phone call. But still catching me getting out of the shower! FUCK!

3) Spend the day cooking and cleaning so that SUNDAY I can SLEEP IN, and DO NOTHING. Only the ironing, but mostly nothing but sleep in and chill.

4) Try and have a nap so that I can have a DATE night with my man, been looking forward to it for days, because I am already tired, cause I didn't get enough sleep last night, because I stayed up to hand out with HUBBY, so that I will not fall asleep, and be able to keep up with my man in his hours. I am talking getting to bed around 3 am ish.

5) Leave instructions with your child to not let you sleep past 6.30 pm. I just want a nap for an hour.

6) Have younger child wake me at 6 pm, thinking it is 6.30 then bounce a tennis ball down the hall till I yell at him to STOP you are trying to NAP!

7) Have child with instructions to wake you at 6.30 pm wake you at 7 pm, and tell you the workman who was here today called, and will be back at 8AM in the morning! (Why? We don't know, he was done today) Why 8 AM Sunday FUCKING MORNING??..... Because that is when said CHILD TOLD HIM I WOULD BE UP AND AWAKE! 

8) Have no way to call him back as I don't have his number. Tried my agents after-hours number and she is away on leave and as a message telling me to contact the office which does not open till MONDAY MORNING.

To say that he got the telling off of a life time is putting it mildly.

1) Because he should not be answering the phone.

2) He should come and get me.

3) NOT MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH WORKMEN WITHOUT CHECKING WITH ME FIRST ESPECIALLY ON A BLOODY SUNDAY MORNING!

I know he was trying to be helpful, but I can do without that. Oh and what mindset does a workman have making arrangements with an little boy??? FOR FUCK SAKE.

Then I see same CHILD decided that my LASAGNE which I spent making from scratch since the early hours of this morning,  for our lunch and dinner......2 trays.........WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE FOR BOTH MEALS.

HE MADE HIMSELF ANOTHER DINNER CAUSE HE ALREADY ATE LASAGNE, leaving my sink and stove....CLEAN SINK and CLEAN STOVE DIRTY.

So late tonight when I am hanging out with my man, late cause he is at work, I will have in the back of my mind that I have to be up at 7 AM so that I can be AWAKE and DRESSED for a bloody workman, instead of having a relaxed CHILD FREE, ADULT NIGHT with my HUSBAND. 

Yeah not exactly ROMANCE inducing. Bad enough that he gets home so bloody late, bad enough SATURDAY night is our ONLY FREE NIGHT of the week, cause child one stays at her boyfriends house and I put the boys in bed so that they are peacefully sleeping, IT IS THE CLOSEST thing to CHILD FREE as we can GET.

Tonight was for a nice meal, movie, sweet kisses, and HOT SEX.

Now I will have a pissed off husband, and a stressed out me, as I have no idea WHY he is coming, he fixed what he could fix, and told me he could fix the other thing as it will need replacing and he would call the agent MONDAY. 

What I feel like doing to my son's HEAD!

We will not have this opportunity for another 2 weeks...and by then I probably will have my period. So yes I am NOT HAPPY.

NOT ENOUGH SLEEP and NO DATE NIGHT with NO SEX =  A VERY BITCHY MUMMY!