Letter #6

Dear Criss,

I must say you are handling what life is throwing at you much better these days. It is OK to get down, and worry. You are human, and it is normal. What I adore about you is that now, you are able to drop that bucket...you know the bucket of shit everyone carries with them.....we all have one......but occasionally people like to give their buckets to you......which is great for them...but not for you who have now more buckets than you can handle.

Dinner.....

You decided to make soup, one because it is cold here at night, and two because your hot water system broke down yesterday and you are still waiting on repairs.......which meant that you had to have a wash in the bath with a bowl, jug, and kettle........not fun on a cold morning.

Yet you smiled..........you where grateful for the warmth, ever so short, of the hot water running down your body. You where grateful to your loving husband, who stayed awake this morning so that he could help you wash your hair, and have the closest thing to a "Normal Shower" that you could have under the circumstances. You didn't stand there grumbling, and complaining that it was too cold, and this sucks, and why me...blah.... blah..... blah........ You smiled.

Once dressed and hair dried, you fully took a moment to enjoy the sensation of being clean. Not that you where dirty, it had only been 24 hours without out hot water....but it felt good didn't it. You enjoyed it. You thanked the world that you were rich enough to have a kettle that could heat water, and a caring person to assist you by pouring that same water over you so you could be clean.....Can you see how far you have come?

Last night you were feeling down, just worrying about things you can't change, and of people you can't help as you would like to. Not that they would listen. It is one of those things when you can see someone is heading down the wrong road, but you can't reach them and get them to turn around. If you did they would laugh at you and tell you that you are wrong, and have no idea what you are talking about.....but you can see ahead, and you know that it is no good, but you have to let go, and pray that they soon work it out for themselves. Such is the joy of parenthood. You can't always protect your kids from themselves.

What I admire is that despite your love and concern for your young adult daughter, you didn't suffocate her with motherly advice and love, and criticisms, and negative words, that would only serve to push her away, not closer to you. That took a lot of self control......where did you master that? 

I know what you would have liked to have done.....that boyfriend is not a good boy, he isn't treating her right, but she can't see that, she thinks she is in 'LOVE',  all you see is a wanker using your daughter like a cheap whore. But you have changed the way you deal with things, regarding her......when she shares something you hold your composure, and just make note. Maybe say, wow how did you feel about that? That was a bit yuck, did it bother you? When he does that, what do you do? When do you have any private time to talk and really get to know each other.....shame he can't make more time for you now?

What you are doing is making her think about it herself. She does, and you can see that it bothers her, but she is determined....she pushes it down, or makes up excuses, and makes herself believe it is all OK. She does such a good job of that you sometimes believe her.....

Point is you are letting her go.....you know you will be right here if and when she comes back to her senses and feels she is worth much more than that......it isn't how you raised her.....she has grown up poor, but in a loving home. She has seen you go through very hard times, and come out stronger than before. She can see what LOVE IS, she can see you and what you have with her father. It is frustrating to know that she isn't looking for that herself. But this is her life lessons to learn....not yours......

But today you have put that aside, and decided, you can not fix that, or the hot water..... but you can control yourself...... and what do you do when you feel out of control?

Start cooking............. at least it is not stuffing your face with chocolate, or bread.....or cake!

You haven't resorted to hurting yourself with food...... Instead you started making food to heal the soul as well as the mind and body.....

I am proud of you. Well done.

In this pot is...onions, garlic, leek,onion chives, carrot,sweet potatoes,celery, yellow spilt peas, green spilt peas, and red lentils, 4 bean mix......salt, pepper, curry powder, cumin powder, turmeric powder, garlic salt, filtered water, and 2 veggie stock cubes. The kitchen is starting to smell amazing, and I can't wait to watch your family enjoy it as much as you will.

Keep smiling. You are an amazingly smart, loving woman. I hope that water system is all fixed by tonight.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I got a bit spoilt today.  Thanks to Missy and the boys for a lovely breakfast. It was lovely. 

I was served with scrambled eggs, blueberry raspberry smoothie and a chia tea. YUM

Child 3 however spent $5 on a green pen at the school mother's day stall. Well 50 cents, and the rest at the canteen. "The presents where crap mum, so I didn't waste YOUR money. " Always so thoughtful................


Well, I agree on the mother's day stall items....I got the same shopping list pad for 3 years running now. SERIOUSLY! The school Mother's Day Stall SUCKS!


Next year I will skip the school stall and let them shop at Neds. I didn't agree on spending money at the canteen, or the fact that he didn't think a picture or a home made card was worth doing..........I shall have work on that! Cheeky buggar!  We would make things in class for mother's and father's day. I guess those days are gone? 

Missy treated me to a new Vac. With a Turbo head for the carpet areas. It works like a dream. However the turbo head is pretty powerful. It caught hold of a small pebble under my rug and sucked the bloody thing right through it. Left a tiny hole. It is out of the way so you can't really see it.....but hey that vac really can SUCK!

This little miss popped in last night to say hi and wish Hubby a Happy Birthday. He named her Isabella. She has already moved on.....kids these days..............

.....and after a day of cooking, and the boys waiting ALL DAY for dad to be ready.........so after work....at 10 pm at night.... we finally got to wish hubby a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. (He really isn't into birthdays...)

Store bought mud cake......I cooked pasta don't judge me......... it is home made cannelloni/lasagne. Basically lasagne sheets with cannelloni filling.......it tastes the same.......it was YUM, and it was quicker and less fussy to do.........OK! With home made garlic and parmensan cheese bread. 

I hope all you mums had an enjoyable day no matter how you celebrated it.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

HELLO invisible people in my computer.................

I have had a little set back with my progress. Few back niggles, and this cold weather and a few stressful things have weaken my will and I did...I confess eat a few comfort foods. Thankfully I seem to have learned something, and I have quickly resorted back to good eating. 


My work vest STILL wont fit , but it is just that one spot around my middle. EVERYWHERE else is good. So today, because it is so bloody cold, I have cooking a big pot of red lentil, yellow split peas, soup mix, zucchini, celery, onion, garlic with spices added for flavour, (onion salt, garlic salt, veggie stock, cumin, and curry powder and turmeric) soup. It is thick and filling, and WARM. I also ate a tomato zucchini omelette with chia seeds for breakfast. I really hope your day is on track, and that you are happy and feeling healthy. I am hoping this uncomfortable back feelings pass without a set back, or need for stronger medication. I have been just 2 months medication free, and I really do not want to start back on that road again.


It is a busy week again for me, hubby's birthday over the weekend, so I have been busy knitting him a scarf for the cold nights ahead. Now child 2 would like one, so the knitting needles have not been packed away just yet.The paint brush and book he wanted is still in transit, but most likely wont get here till after, so I didn't want him to have nothing other than a card. Not that hubby really cares much about his birthday. He isn't excited at all about it, never really has been a big birthday fan, but I am so therefore he gets fussed over anyway. Despite the fact he will work, then sleep most  of mother's day the next day. Life goes on...I am going to sleep in on Mother's day too!

I am planning to make my yummy well known and loved cannelloni, it is probably not the best thing for me to be eating, (pasta is a no no for me at the moment) but what the hell, diet can start again after. It is mother's day too, so live a little!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY too all my lovely mummy's out there too.

My daughter has given me part 1 of my present already.....

I LOVE IT! It is just perfect.

So this weekend I will be cooking up a storm in the kitchen, and also making home made garlic bread to have with the pasta, as it is cold here, and that is so comfort eating......................YUM.

I am going to try and get a yummy cake from the bakery too. I am thinking Chocolate Flake......I saw it the other day......we will see.....hubby hasn't asked for anything yet.

My self letters have proven to be very healing. I have also been an inspiration to my PCOS group, and have been asked, when I am finished, if they can turn them into a book, to help others with PCOS. I am thrilled, and blown away. Of course I said YES!

Now it's back to the knitting needles and then off to work tonight. I am actually dreaming of a warm place to holiday in, a girl can dream right?

I feel like an old lady today....cold, and rugged up with veggie soup, and my knitting......the kids have renamed me granny mummy.

I finished the lap blanket I started 12 years ago...............I had kids OKAY....very hard to crochet with a baby/toddler pulling at EVERYTHING, or getting into strife when your not looking. Then life happened and it stayed in the back of the cupboard till the other day. Now I am enjoying it's warmth while I knit.  (insert granny jokes here)

Anyway hope you are all well, happy, and getting through life's stumbling blocks OKAY.

Letter #5

Dear Criss,

Well how are you? I have been noticing that you have had a few little hiccups this past week.  You pushed yourself didn't you? You put others ahead of you and what happened? UUhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

Lack of sleep, and worry, and stress are silent killers honey bun. They are NOT good for you. Now you are run down, and a bit grumpy......and eating chocolate. (Dark 75% is still chocolate!)

So you bent yourself out of shape and went out of your way to PLEASE people. At work you agreed to more heavy work, more than you can handle....now you are in pain, and worrying about your back. I know you will will speak up soon, but why wait? 

Your gift is the ability to laugh at yourself, and with others. You care so much that you think that it can heal anything... Maybe it can?


I know you are a strong woman. Stronger than most, stronger than you think. You have had to be. You have had to learn to love you when no one else would.


What did that teach you?


When you care and love yourself, you attract love and good things into your world. YES?


Remember the days as a kid when you had to be both mother and daughter?
Remember when at 12 years of age, your dad accidentally fell down the back steps of a friends house and broke his neck. You prayed so hard that he'd get better, but he died within hours. Your world changed in an instant.
Your mother disappeared. She was so lost in her own grief she had no room to comfort you or any of your siblings. You were alone. With your brother going off the rails, and deciding that now is the best time to start doing heavy drugs and drinking....punching in walls, and occasionally your mother if she got in the way. You stopped him that night...he was about to hit your mother and you stepped in front and yelled at him ENOUGH....he did throw you into another room, but he stopped after that. Maybe seeing his baby sister flying through the air was enough to make him see he maybe had gone too far? Or maybe it was seeing her get up, crying, but defiant and standing in front of her mother...still ready to protect all she had left. That took balls girl.... 

I know you have blocked this from your mind.....but there is a reason I am reminding you of these things....


I want you to remember that 12 year old girl. That little girl starting her first year of high school 2 weeks after her fathers death, and she is moving her body, waking up, eating, and living on the outside, when she is scared as hell and dying inside.....


Your mother gave up. She just stopped wanting to live. You understand that now. Now that you have love, and a husband that is everything to you....but at 12 that was harder to understand. You thought she was going to die and leave you too. 

So you took care of her. You fed her....cleaned for her....helped her before and after school. You slept with her so she wouldn't be lonely. When she woke up crying you held her. It took a year , and thankfully she came back....each month that went by she got better.


Now fast forward.....

Your baby girl is 10 weeks old, and you are suffering silently from Post Natal Depression. When she 6 weeks old, your husband, your world, suffered a virus. This virus attacked his eyes. He beautiful artistic eyes....in under 24 hours he lost 85% of his vision....and you lost your husband.

What followed was weeks and months of dealing with a new born baby and a depressed suicidal husband. Baby took a back seat, and was left not very willingly with your mother. The same mother who mocked your mothering skills and shot down anything good with self esteem shattering support. 

Hubby got help, and drugs to stop the virus dead, but it left him with a few issues, one being double vision. Glasses help correct it, but he still has a ghosting shadow, but he is use to it now, and one would never know. He get headaches though.

But the months that followed where hard. The hardest you have ever had....and you have had hard. He was sad, he lost his job, he couldn't drive, he couldn't paint, he just hated his life. In 12 months he lost both his parents, became a father, and went essentially blind.

No one could see that you were just holding on. Not coping  at all. Silently moving through, masking your pain, and giving all of yourself to everyone....babies don't understand someone's having a bad day....and your little one had her own issues of colic and screaming for hours.....

Do you remember that dark dark horrible day. That day when you felt so sick, so worn out, so invisible, so utterly useless, you just couldn't take any more....

You were driving home....alone.....you had been to the doctor's for pain in your breasts, but the family GP only wanted to talk about hubby. He was, as we all were very concerned about his mental health. That was the last straw... as you drove down that familiar road, you let your foot become heavy on the pedal..... for a few seconds you felt alive....free almost....you knew that if you kept accelerating you would loose control, and around the next bend you wouldn't be able to stop, and you would hit the light post at high speed and die. It actually felt lovely. No more crying babies, horrible mocking mothers, or depressed husbands who didn't love you any more or want anything to do with his child.

It felt like hours, but it only was a few seconds. You went from happy to end it all and be free, to NO FUCKING WAY AM I LEAVING MY BABY with those two! You slowed down and pulled over and cried. All the tears you held inside just came pouring out like an uncontrollable flood.

Why am I reminding you of all this?

Because I want you to remember just how STRONG you are.

You are a STRONG LOVING WOMAN. So giving of you, so full of LOVE. 

I want to thank you for LIVING. So many lives would have turned out so differently had you not....including yours. 

You took back control. You became the mother you knew you could be.... you took back your baby out of your mothers hands and she stopped being so upset. (Nonna feeding a 4 week old solids was probably the main cause of all the colic!) 

You loved your husband more.....you never gave up on him....you taught him to love your baby. He started to smile, and your baby started to laugh, and you both started to laugh again too and little moments of peace, grew into bigger ones. You encouraged him to look at life differently. With time his eyes started healing and he regained his sight. Just double vision to deal with, but better than total blindness. A blessing really. Not many regain their sight.

The three of you bonded like glue. Stronger, more loving than before. All could have been lost had you driven that car into that post. 

He would have died without you....your child would have grown up in the hands of your mother............like you...........she would have been abused....

YOU WERE STRONG ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU.

Now that baby is almost 20, and 2 more babies are in this world because you never gave up. 

Tonight you laughed at your husbands antics...he loves you so much. He loves you because you taught him how to love when there is nothing else. He would be a mess without you...you are his rock, as he is yours. LOVE is a powerful drug my dear.


Life is like a roller coaster.....you can either be shit scared all through the ride, or you can hang on and scream and feel that wind in your hair, and your heart beating wildly and enjoy the ride. It is going to go up and down, and back up.....with it life lessons will be thrown your way.............


NEVER GIVE UP...............LOVE.................LAUGH...............LIVE..........


for tomorrow is a new day....................