I really can't wait for this to be over........................

CHRISTMAS  you  make it what you want it to be. Grab a friend and have a laugh. Watch a movie, or get on line and catch up on what everyone one else is doing.

For me, I will work......then come home Xmas eve and get all the food ready....I don't want too....I have too.....then Xmas day I will make the dessert, and serve the food, and fuss and make sure everyone is OK....I will get tired, and cranky....not show the cranky side, don't want to spoil it for everyone, because I will be most likely the only one willing to move their backside and clean up. Given that I am having a good day and can actually manage it all with out drugging myself up.

I will smile at my kids gifts, and pretend I really love them, cause they are my kids and that was the best they could do, and it is the thought that counts, and I hope that it is something I can actually  really like. Fingers crossed, Missy is working now, so she has been busy wrapping this year so we are all in for surprises, which is nice.

My hubby will have nothing for me. Despite the fact that I have his favourite chocolates, and new PJ's.....he needs them. I am OK with that, we are saving for some much needed house hold appliances .  Washing Machine, Vac, and a better computer. But he wont have thought of anything simple. Nor will he fuss over our wedding anniversary. Which is just over a  week later. He isn't Mr romance. That doesn't bother me. It isn't what he buys me that has kept me with him all these years, and that is my point. 

But we will do the pictures and in that sec snap shot it will seem that we are having the most wonderful magical day. But it was just a snapshot, a second in time, a second later the kids may have had a fight, and I would have most likely yelled at them, and hubby switched off and went onto the computer and did what he does everyday, it is just another day with the added bonus of gifts for the kids.

Honestly.  It saddens me to think there are people out there thinking that every family is doing the Hallmark Christmas. For a lot it is just a day off, a rest , and apart from presents, the day is pretty much normal. I will read face book, maybe farm. We might watch a movie, Hubby will play TANKS, the boys their games, and hopefully play with their Santa/mum and dad presents.  

Back to work after that, and it is business as usual, and just as well as we have to pay back our credit cards.

But despite all the humdrum, and drama, we have each other. I wouldn't want it any other way. I just hate the way TV makes it seem all perfect. The perfect wife, husband , kids, cake, house.....WHO ARE THEY KIDDING!

Yesterday I got an email from my sister who was very upset that I had forgotten to include a Christmas gift in my parcel to my nephew. It was just an over sight. I always send him a gift card, he is 19, working, very trendy, and let's face it, who knows what his tastes are....safe way is to just let him choose. They live interstate. We haven't seen each other in almost 10 years.

During the year she and I do not seem to connect via email any more,  she is on face book, but rarely communicates, and honestly I have not much of an idea what she is up to these days. I know she has met someone special, and she seems happy, and she bought a unit, and is working at the job she always wanted, and I am really proud and happy for her.

But this made me think. I never  ever hear from them what my nephew buys with his birthday /Christmas money....I never get THANK YOU from him.....and now that Missy is working and earning more than me, and he works, I thought why are we doing this?? They are old enough to take ownership themselves.  So I wrote to her to discuss the option of killing off the older kids and just thinking of each other. 

I, as you guys know, have had the worst year  with health. Money is tight due to all the days off work I had to have, and I am doing the best I can with what I have. My kids are  getting very little this year. 2 presents each. One from us and one from SANTA. That is it.

I guess it annoyed me that she was able to make me feel so shitty about forgetting. I rushed to the post office, bought a $50 credit visa gift card and sent it express post. $60 later, and I am heading into work and getting really annoyed that I spent $60 on a kid who may not really understand how much of a sacrifice that was at that time. That is just over half my days pay. We have....correction had....$400 until next pay, which is after the holidays. I have food shopping to do with that. It was my last cash. I had bought the presents, and paid the bills. It also annoyed me I had spent double on him than my own daughter! Her presents I scored from eBay. She will love them, it's what she wanted, and I know she will be happy, but I may never know if he was happy?? He may just say "Oh another fucking gift card...big deal" ??? Who knows??

I explained my year to my sister, and gave her a heads up about how her baby sister is getting on. I was polite, and honest. I am fucked....let's face it....44 and my kids need to help me get dressed...that's pretty fucked.  I am still waiting to hear back?? But between us, I think the buying for the big kids should be over......especially in our messed up family.

SO MY ADVISE TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE GETTING READY TO BE SAD ON CHRISTMAS DAY......

The best thing we did for ourselves is give up on TRADITION.

Cut yourself some slack. REALLY most people spend the day driving here and there and getting tired and pissed off, to see people they do not even want to spend time with, so forget the movies and just chill out.

It helps having all your family live far away. Can't help that it is just how it is. We created our own family. We gathered friends, and they have become new family. 

But honestly, if it wasn't for the boys I wouldn't even put up the tree.

But you can fake it a bit. Today I watched Xmas movies with the kids, and I must admit that if you try and make a small effort it does feel good. I think the trick is to just go with the flow. Forget the hype. Do what makes you feel good. 

If that is a walk along the beach, lunch at a friends, crying over a girlie chick flick in your PJ's, or  going to look at Christmas lights. Staying home and doing NOTHING. There are no rules. 

BE HAPPY with the little things you have got in this world. The small comforts. There is far too much loneliness................I wish that I could change that for everyone.

Christmas is just a commercial machine. It's meaning is lost, and the Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns will be out the day Christmas is over.  

So whatever you are doing this Christmas day, just don't stress the small stuff. Don't feel sorry for yourself, and do something nice for you. I am going to not stress. BBQ lunch, and just kick back, most likely on the computer or by the TV. Nothing but a weekend type of day.  Just us....perfect.

Not everyone is HAPPY HAPPY JOLLY, and MERRY. Most can't even really afford it. So SMILE, be happy with what you have got, because around the world on CHRISTMAS DAY, our WARS are still on, bad things are still happening, people are still made to work.....just like my daughter last year. Remember to be nice to all those shop people who have had to put up with CRANKY, FRANTIC, STRESSED OUT people, who think it's OK to yell at them because your shop is not staying open till midnight today.......WE HAVE FAMILIES TOO PEOPLE!! This is why I HATE this HOLIDAY. IT BRINGS OUT THE SELFISHNESS IN PEOPLE. I WANT I WANT  I WANT .............HE GOT MORE THAN ME........................YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME BACK EQUAL TO WHAT I GAVE YOU..................BULLSHIT PEOPLE it is all CRAP!

LOVE the ones you have, your cat, dog, kids, partner, friend, mum, dad, WHATEVER. JUST LOVE and be GRATEFUL. IT's not about the Tree, or the presents, or the best roast.  

I hope you have a good day no matter what you are doing. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!